A friend has mentioned that she keeps waiting for my angry/explosive phase of my grieving. I’m not sure if that will happen or not, but my fuse is really short right now in general. The list of things that annoys me is deep as the contents in my storage shed that I still need to go through.
I’m really trying to be patient and kind. I’m trying to understand that other people are grieving too, and just because they didn’t lose a husband it doesn’t mean they didn’t lose a friend/insert other label here. I’m really trying, but my attitude is fairly sour at times and I often snap at people despite not wanting to.
Speaking of sour, this post features some photos of BT from my archives because she has more ‘tude than any creature I’ve ever known (still love her though!).
People process things in different ways, and I think for some putting behaviors or actions in neat little boxes allows them to explain things. Many of the details of the last six months of Tim’s life are hard to explain, and honestly… we’ll never know the 100% truth. I can rationally understand the need to say, “It was because of the addiction” over and over and over again… but that also seems like writing Tim off as an addict and nothing else. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not that simple. Nothing is black and white.
Tim literally was googling “The difference between addict and substance user” at least once during the last two weeks. He had a hard time grasping the concept that he might be an addict, and since there were no substance abuse problems in over 8 of our 9+ years together… I do too. Though I don’t argue with the fact that addiction is the cause of all of this… it’s not the only cause. A lot of this was a flat out accident. Labeling Tim as an addict and saying things to me like, “Don’t worry, that was the addiction talking” shouldn’t annoy me… but it does.
People being super upset about petty shit gets to me. Oh, you have to buy a new car this weekend and the dealership is so troublesome? I’m sorry. That must be so hard for you.
It annoys me when people cry or get upset about my situation. Believe me, I am already upset at the both of us. It’s one thing if you want to cry on the phone to me because you miss Tim, which I would actually welcome at this point because I don’t hear that from many people and sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who misses him… but I digress. What I mean is don’t cry on my behalf. I do not have it in me to comfort you.
I also am severely annoyed at Verizon. Can anyone speak to legal consequences if I take my phone to the Verizon store and chuck it at their stupid heads through a glass window in order to end my contract?
Open ended questions also annoy me, even though I have been able to contain the urge to throw things at people’s heads when they ask them. I don’t know why I feeling X emotion, I just am. If we’re being honest, I don’t exactly know how I feel at all. I don’t know why Simon’s leg is swollen or how serious it is. I don’t know why BT can’t make it 9 hours overnight without peeing all over the bathroom. I don’t know when my court date is. I don’t know when I can file for life insurance.
I do know people mean well by asking these questions, but I don’t know why the questions bother me so much. Probably because there are no answers to many of them at the moment.
Probably because I can’t ask the questions that mean the most to me, because the person that needs to answer them isn’t replying these days.