Short Fuse

Short Fuse

A friend has mentioned that she keeps waiting for my angry/explosive phase of my grieving. I’m not sure if that will happen or not, but my fuse is really short right now in general. The list of things that annoys me is deep as the contents in my storage shed that I still need to go through.

I’m really trying to be patient and kind. I’m trying to understand that other people are grieving too, and just because they didn’t lose a husband it doesn’t mean they didn’t lose a friend/insert other label here. I’m really trying, but my attitude is fairly sour at times and I often snap at people despite not wanting to.

Speaking of sour, this post features some photos of BT from my archives because she has more ‘tude than any creature I’ve ever known (still love her though!).

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People process things in different ways, and I think for some putting behaviors or actions in neat little boxes allows them to explain things. Many of the details of the last six months of Tim’s life are hard to explain, and honestly… we’ll never know the 100% truth. I can rationally understand the need to say, “It was because of the addiction” over and over and over again… but that also seems like writing Tim off as an addict and nothing else. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not that simple. Nothing is black and white.

Tim literally was googling “The difference between addict and substance user” at least once during the last two weeks. He had a hard time grasping the concept that he might be an addict, and since there were no substance abuse problems in over 8 of our 9+ years together… I do too. Though I don’t argue with the fact that addiction is the cause of all of this… it’s not the only cause. A lot of this was a flat out accident. Labeling Tim as an addict and saying things to me like, “Don’t worry, that was the addiction talking” shouldn’t annoy me… but it does.

People being super upset about petty shit gets to me. Oh, you have to buy a new car this weekend and the dealership is so troublesome? I’m sorry. That must be so hard for you.

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It annoys me when people cry or get upset about my situation. Believe me, I am already upset at the both of us. It’s one thing if you want to cry on the phone to me because you miss Tim, which I would actually welcome at this point because I don’t hear that from many people and sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who misses him… but I digress. What I mean is don’t cry on my behalf. I do not have it in me to comfort you.

I also am severely annoyed at Verizon. Can anyone speak to legal consequences if I take my phone to the Verizon store and chuck it at their stupid heads through a glass window in order to end my contract?

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Open ended questions also annoy me, even though I have been able to contain the urge to throw things at people’s heads when they ask them. I don’t know why I feeling X emotion, I just am. If we’re being honest, I don’t exactly know how I feel at all. I don’t know why Simon’s leg is swollen or how serious it is. I don’t know why BT can’t make it 9 hours overnight without peeing all over the bathroom. I don’t know when my court date is. I don’t know when I can file for life insurance.

do know people mean well by asking these questions, but I don’t know why the questions bother me so much. Probably because there are no answers to many of them at the moment.

Probably because I can’t ask the questions that mean the most to me, because the person that needs to answer them isn’t replying these days.

22 thoughts on “Short Fuse

  1. I want to throw things at Verizon employees regularly, so while I don’t know the legal repercussions, I say go for it. Temporary insanity from grief is a valid excuse, right?

  2. I’m sorry people are asking you these questions. 🙁 I’m sorry Simon’s leg and BT’s bladder are being complicated though. Sending you good vibes!

  3. I say chuck the phone at Verizon then come into hiding. You know we’d all help hide you!

    Love that photo of BT in her pink collar. She looks like she’s Queen of the Bed!

    1. She pretty much is a queen. That was taken when we took the dogs for an outdoorsy weekend in the Poconos Mountains. We joked she wanted us to bring her back pancakes for breakfast in bed 🙂

  4. I’ve stormed out of Verizon on more than one occasion. You can definitely pin that feeling on THEM. Worst. Customer. Service. Ever… maybe they’re slightly ahead of the cable provider here. Slightly.
    Those questions annoy you because they don’t have answers. You have so much going on, you need to filter all the things. Stuff you can take care of immediately, stuff you can take care of soon, stuff you want to throw at people’s faces. Questions with no answers don’t fit into any of these categories… well maybe the last one. But they’re not helpful…. Kind of like this response.
    You’re doing an incredible job coping. Even if you don’t feel that’s true. Coping sucks. Loss sucks. But you’re getting an A for effort for sure.

  5. i think ppl crying to me on my behalf would send me over the edge. also i love your dog’s sassy ‘tude in all the pics. captures the feeling perfectly.

  6. I love BT. And her attitude is perfect for this post, haha. Don’t you wish sometimes you could be a dog and when someone pissed you off you could just growl and snap at them? I do. LOL

  7. Yeah, although in the moment it would feel pretty damn satisfying, don’t throw your phone through a window or at a Verizon employee. Going to have to go out on a limb here and guess that even though I don’t know the local criminal code in Texas, the legal consequences would make that not worth it. But in all seriousness if there’s anything I can help you figure out, let me know.

    Makes total sense that you have a short fuse. People misunderstanding Tim or his actions or just labeling it as “addiction” is also understandably upsetting for many reasons. You have way more on your plate right now than most of us. It’s stressful just to have all that to do, but to pile that on top of grief and heartache is just more than any one person should have to handle. I’m sorry that you have to deal with all this day-to-day B.S. but I hope it gets better and I hope you continue to hang in there. I’m glad you blogged about it.

  8. Love these photos – so much attitude for such a little dog! It really sucks to have so much crap to deal with in addition to your grief and loss.

  9. 🙁

    But for real tho, the BT pictures are amazing. And amazingly appropriate!

    I did a year in customer service at T-Mobile, so if I can offer any guidance on the ins and outs of contract termination, just let me know.

  10. I wouldn’t throw the phone through the glass–you’d lose most of the impact breaking the window (or worse, bouncing off!). Do you have any mechanically inclined friends to help you put together a trebuchet?

  11. If short fused is all you become, then so be it. If you need to beat the crap out of something, take kickboxing. Not those fruity-tuity classes, I mean like hard core kick someone’s ass kickboxing. ^.^ If you need to be angry, that’s okay too. Especially when it comes to Verizon… I’d send you a phone number but unfortunately he’s located in Virginia and I don’t know if he’d be able to help you. If you want to try, send me a message!

  12. I am sorry this sucks.

    I have a completely new impression of BT. I had no idea!

    I quit Verizon years ago. It was very difficult to make it happen because they had us in Internet limbo for weeks and claimed that we couldn’t even cancel because any request we made was in a constant state of processing. Catch 22 frustration big time.

  13. Love the photos.
    I went through a pretty bad time back in the distant past and can vividly remember feeling all those same emotions. They’ve never completely gone away, to be honest, but I think that’s just my new normal rather than something that is ‘wrong’ with me. Part of me feels like I am a stronger and more organized person for it, part of me is still angry about the events that led to it. I guess what I’m trying to say is there are lots of us out there that ‘get it’ and are totally behind you.

  14. 1) We almost got a female BT, but having had been around a few…we waited for the next litter to get a male. He has an incredible amount of sass, but he’s always sorry about it after the fact. If you ever want some happy BT photos to cheer you up (esp when she’s pissing in the bathroom), kevinandamanda.com always cheers me up. (Watch out for her over-HDRing, dear God.)

    2) I’m a new reader – I stumbled upon your blog looking for reviews for fuller-calf boots a week after Tim passed. I went through incredible loss this spring with two family members and I am with you 100%. There is no nice little box to put your emotions in. They still come in surprising waves in the middle of a work day or sitting alone in bed at night. It isn’t fair, but take the time to work through them if you can. Have a quiet moment for yourself and let yourself be pissed. This shit is, well, shitty. I’ve only ‘known’ you a month and am fully on board for Team Lauren.

  15. I’m trying to stop analyzing my moods/emotions/etc. It just makes whatever you’re going through more intense and seem way worse. We don’t sit around contemplating our happiness. If you’re feeling ragy, then rage. If you’re feeling sad, then cry. It doesn’t matter why. It may last only a moment in time, it may last longer. We aren’t static, the way we feel/think/act changes and that’s ok. The things that bother us today may seem like no problem tomorrow. Hang in there. Hugs to you.

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