Browsed by
Category: Grief

April Showers Bring May Feelings of Dread

April Showers Bring May Feelings of Dread

I’ve always had a solid internal clock. From my childhood through college, I religiously wore a watch. It was one of those clothing items that I felt naked without. When I got my first smart phone and that became the item that our entire society can’t live without, the watch got phased out. Maybe that’s why I am usually aware of the passing hours. Tim would ask me a lot what time it was when we were out running errands…

Read More Read More

I’ve Been Afraid of My Own Blog

I’ve Been Afraid of My Own Blog

Well y’all, it’s been a minute. The other day I chatted with L when she made a comment about her blog hitting a ten year anniversary milestone. That number seemed crazy to me. Ten years?! Ten years we’ve been writing about our horses? Surely I hadn’t reached that. But I looked, and I had. I started SMTT in 2010, though it had scattered posts back then. Still, technically I was at ten years. Eleven, really. There are a lot of…

Read More Read More

Five Years

Five Years

I’ve had it with being a professional griever. Five years ago today, my husband Tim died. In case you’re a new reader, it wasn’t expected or peaceful or anything like a Nicholas Spark’s novel. It was a raw, real drug overdose. I found him. I called 911, and did the chest compressions even though the second I touched him, I knew. In the five years following that it’s almost comical the things that I’ve lost. All of the three dogs…

Read More Read More

The Delicate Balance of Being

The Delicate Balance of Being

I never thought I’d live in a time when one minute I’d be reviewing the modeling on the number of deaths in Texas, and the next I’d think, I should really mow the grass before it rains. I don’t have to tell you how unsettling this juxtaposition of pandemic and “normal” life is. We’re all living it. The lucky ones, which I still currently am, have kept our jobs and work from home. Our meetings still run, deadlines arrive. We…

Read More Read More

Four Years

Four Years

I am, to put it mildly, a bit of a planner. Some might even throw around the words “control freak,” although that sounds fairly harsh to me. I prefer meticulous, driven by detail, thorough. It’s no surprise then that I had a plan for my widowhood. In my grief, I doubled down in planning and control. My best friend was ripped away from me, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. With him went the safe, idyllic life…

Read More Read More

The Gifts We’re Given

The Gifts We’re Given

When I feel like I’ve been robbed of something, I try to focus on the things to be thankful for. It sounds pious, but I assure you it’s not. Rather, I have to concentrate on the amazing experience that was Tim and Simon instead of feeling like I’ve had all my happiness ripped away from me. Because frankly, I feel like I’ve had all my happiness ripped away from me. Yesterday was my local horse show organization’s year end banquet….

Read More Read More

A Capricorn’s Take on Grief and Therapy and Pushing Through

A Capricorn’s Take on Grief and Therapy and Pushing Through

There are a lot of things I want to express in this post, but I also know I don’t have a ton of mental energy to accurately do that. So, let me tell ya’ll this. On Monday, I picked up a package from my mailbox that was both unexpected and large. In it was the most beautiful book of my horse beautiful horse, which I sobbed over. Like, I sobbed so hard it took me three times flipping through the…

Read More Read More

Life Without Nerd Horse

Life Without Nerd Horse

I went to the barn today. I thought it would be terrible, I really did. I was supposed to go a week ago for the barn holiday party and yearly awards, but I couldn’t bring myself to face his empty stall when everyone was drinking and having a good time. So I sent my trainer my regrets, and put off going back until I felt like I couldn’t put it off anymore. When Simon first died, things were pretty bleak…

Read More Read More