Suddenly Single In Your 30’s Club
We all know what happened to me, it blows. Lately some people in my social group g have been admitted into the “Didn’t Expect I Would Be Single In My 30’s WTF Will I Do With My Life Now Please Pass the Wine” club, though they joined through divorce versus death.
Now even though I do not suggest anyone out there become a widow (I rate this experience 0 out of 5 stars), I’ve said from day one that I would rather be a widow than a divorcee – sorry divorcees. My rationale has always been that I don’t know if I could handle a person I loved so much still being out in the world if they no longer loved me. Watching someone move on from a distance and constantly wondering if they’re thinking about you would undo me. Of course I still wonder about Tim, but with life after death being such an unknown I can make up the dialogue to suit my own feelings.
Angel Tim can be great, because he agrees with whatever I want. Should I buy this pony? Sure, who doesn’t love ponies? Have I had too many glasses of wine? Can one ever have too many glasses of wine? Was I the best wife you ever had? By a million percent. No comparison. Do I look ugly with that extra ten pounds I gained from grieving your ass all last year? Not at all. You’re beautiful. Have some more cheese. Thanks Angel Tim, you’re the greatest.
As time pushes me further away from my “suddenly single” event, it also does for my divorced friends. The shock wears off. Instead of ‘why did this happen?’ I hear more of ‘god I can’t stand that person.’
I realized I could never be happy with them.
I don’t want those qualities in my next partner.
You know, they were really shitty a lot of time the time.
I’m so glad I don’t have to support another person anymore.
I listen as the conversation about my friends’ former spouses skews towards the negative. I assert the important, You’re right! when it’s required and I nod my head when they get introspective about the unexpected course their marriage took. If I understand anything these days, it’s unexpected courses in life.
Through talking with them, my membership in the Suddenly Single club has shifted in the past six months. While I used to be firmly #teamwidow, listening to my friends talk about their divorces is bringing to light something I didn’t realize was bothering me. As I attempt to dip my toe back into the dating pool, I’ve taken a very lighthearted approach at first. Everything was a joke. “I’m just going for the story!” I’d tell a friend at a pre-date cocktail before heading off to meet some old ass journalist who thought it was fun to summarize everything I said or thought in his own personal byline (true story). I protected myself by saying that I didn’t care if there was a connection or not, because I wasn’t looking for anything serious.
Roughly fourteen months after my admittance to the club, my defenses are wavering. It’s a hard thing for me to admit. I know what having a great relationship is like. I remember that intoxicating lull that falling in love is, and I am all too familiar with the safety and comfort in spending your life with your best friend. I know what all of that is like, and I can’t help but want it again.
What does this have to do with #teamdivorce? Lately as I’ve grown more frustrated with dating, I’ve witnessed my divorced friends grow emotionally independent of their former lives while I have not. Part of my “Psychotic Break with Wine” last Friday is that I realized something extremely important.
I still carry around an amazing amount of love and devotion to Tim. I wear his wedding band on my right hand every day. I speak of him often with people who knew him, and tell stories about him to those who didn’t. His pictures show up on my desk at work, are on my walls at home. There is no part of my life that isn’t touched by him, even still. I think the world of this man, I always will.
And there is no one out there in the world that feels the same way about me.
My divorced friends don’t feel that way about their spouses, nor should they. There are quite compelling reasons why they got divorced, but sometimes as I listen to them I can’t help but think about the best parts of my marriage, the ones I miss deeply. Regardless of my company in the Suddenly Single club, it’s in those moments that I feel irrevocably alone.
11 thoughts on “Suddenly Single In Your 30’s Club”
Your GIF game was On Point for this post! Widowhood must definitely must bring some unique aspects into the ‘suddenly single in your 30’s’ club. What you had with Tim can’t be replaced. But there is a lifetime of experiences still ahead of you, and some really cool people still to meet.
Beautiful. And so hauntingly sad. It’s hard to be alone in a world full of people.
Hugs.
*hug*
No one in the world feels the way you do yet. You forgot yet. You’re not going to be alone forever. True you didn’t consciously make the choice to be separated from your husband but I am a strong believer in the idea that there are lots of people out there that we could potentially choose as our partner. You will love and be loved again. I have faith.
I’m just joining #teamdivorce and really appreciate your insight on the single life. So far, all I can think about are the good times and I can’t imagine the pain of feeling that after much longer.
So, as someone who just went through a very painful breakup, I’ll let you in on a secret. Those of us who lost someone because they stopped loving us, not through death, also have a lot of really warm memories from our relationships and a lot of love leftover. It’s just too painful to think about, so instead we mostly focus on how we were done wrong and what an awful jerk he was in the end. You’re a bigger person for being able to continue to hold so much love in you heart, and admit it.
Also, WTF is online dating why is it so awful?
I am honestly terrified of modern dating. I’m so sorry you have to go through it.
I guess I really can’t relate to any of the above since I’m just a lonely old spinster. Though being the child of divorced parents, I did see the resentful bitter side (my mom’s not my own. No hard feelings here ;))
I do see where you’re coming from. And though it’s harder to still focus on the love, how wonderful is it to have had it? I think it’s easier to focus on the negative and hide the love that was there under the rug. But there’s beauty in having had a love like that.
Absolutely. Focusing on the love is how I sleep at night and how I’ve gotten through all of this (so far). It was/is an incredible gift.
I just want to let you know that you are also in the super awesome cool people club too.
I’m on Team Divorce here too. Only with my circumstances, there was no love lost on my ex. I would gladly trade being on Team Divorce for being on Team Widow and would join the ranks with pleasure if my ex should suddenly drop dead. Now before anyone freaks out over all of that, if you knew the backstory- none of you could blame me.
I may be speaking for myself or for the entire ranks of Team Divorce here, but at least being on Team Widow, there is a definitive line of an ending and there is closure. I am left looking forward to the day I don’t have to deal with that rat bastard or any of his morbidly dysfunctional family anymore and trust me, that day can’t come soon enough.
Having moved on I can say that YES it certainly and absolutely IS possible that You, Lauren and everyone on Team Widow & Divorce CAN find someone who does love you and appreciates you for who you are. Sorting thru the frogs to find that Prince can be rather ‘interesting’ at times. When you go from being unappreciated and overworked, its strange getting used to how it feels. I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve to not only be Happy, but to feel special in the eyes of someone else. It takes some getting used to.
Sorry for the rant!