I write this blog for a lot of reasons, admittedly some of them selfish, but I knew posting about Tim’s death would be something I needed to do for myself. I did not expect the sheer amount of condolences, support and love I received from it yesterday.
My phone, e-mail and Facebook blew up for hours and hours and hours. I cried a lot over all your comments and well wishes, because part of me is mourning the fact that there is so much love for a person who is now gone from the physical world. The other part of me is emotionally overwhelmed, but in a good way.
Plus I just cry a lot these days. It’s like my new super power.
In the hours after his death, a lot of people told me one minute or day at a time. It’s a cliche we’ve all heard before, but it really is true. I couldn’t eat or sleep. When I did sleep, I have had multiple dreams that he got up and was back with us. Waking up was like losing him all over again.
But it happens less frequently, and it gets better.
My dad was with me over the weekend, and nudged me out of the house each day. He’d be all like, “Let’s go to that nice seafood restaurant the three of us went to last year!” and I’d be all “Meh. Food. Wutevs.” We went anyway, and I picked something that I knew past Lauren enjoyed but current Lauren couldn’t imagine eating.
However, when the waiter brings you Lobster cheddar grits… it’s hard to turn down Lobster cheddar grits. You eat them, because they’re fucking delicious.
So I realized that I needed to just put something in front of me, and eat a little even if I didn’t feel like it.
I alternate between functioning well, cry-talking and uncontrollably sobbing. It’s actually kind of funny, because when I’m functioning well I feel a little guilty over it. I think “No, that’s stupid. Don’t feel guilty! It’s okay to not cry all the time!” and I congratulate myself for being so self aware. Then something happens that takes me off guard and it’s back to uncontrollably sobbing again.
I also rage stabbed a giant exercise ball with a sharp knife. I highly recommend this.
There is a lot happening and a lot that has happened. When I told Jen J what happened Friday, she mentioned that I shouldn’t feel the need to keep up the blog during this time. I don’t feel the need to, but I also love writing. I’m going to have to process this somehow, and there is comfort in the routine of writing and posting. Welcome aboard the 30 year old widow train. It’s going to be a theme for a while.
Some quick final notes before I go today…
No one should worry about me quitting riding or keeping Simon. Simon stays. He will help me get through this.
I am planning a memorial for Tim this Thursday evening. Obviously no one was prepared for this, and Tim never had any romantic ideas about death. He would tell you it was a ‘dirt nap’, so didn’t leave me with much instruction. I choose to remember him with a casual gathering of friends in our local park. When I saw the options at the funeral home, I knew how much he would hate it.. so we’re going the non-traditional route. He wasn’t a super traditional guy. It’s fitting.
For the whole “in lieu of flowers” thing, I have chosen Austin Pets Alive as a charity to take any donations in his honor. Dogs always brought him great joy, and mine are helping me so much right now.
Thank you again for every comment. I can’t express accurately what they meant to me.