Don’t Know How to Say Thank You

Don’t Know How to Say Thank You

I’ve been sleeping a lot better lately, but I’m overwhelmingly tired all the time. I start this post off with that fact mostly because I’m pretty sure the rest of it is going to be incoherent babbling.

I haven’t had much motivation to do anything the past few days. Having people around means that it’s pretty obvious if you don’t get out of bed until never or if when you do get out of bed the only thing you manage to accomplish for the rest of the day is watching whale documentaries on Netflix and eating leftover pizza. So instead I slept late, organized my kitchen a little and then watched whale documentaries and ate leftover pizza.

We also headed to the barn. My friend and I visited Simon on Saturday, but I didn’t have the energy or motivation to do much more than groom him. A barn friend was there, and told me that I should ride because I’d feel better. I didn’t exactly believe her, but decided that Sunday afternoon I would at least sit on my horse. I did, and then I trotted around the ring some. My leg felt solid, and even though it was humid and hot and I’m super out of shape – everything was like it should be. So I cantered, popped over three jumps in a series of roll backs and called it a day. Shortest, least productive ride ever but for the first time since Tim died I was able to not focus on the situation at all for a little while. Sitting up and not dropping my hands to the base of the fence? I can handle that.


Even though there is no motivation, there will be lots of riding in my future.

Right now I am a messed up, jumbled mix of emotions. I can’t tell tit for tat. Physically, I either feel tired and numb or like I’m about to hyperventilate at any moment. I never do though, and I don’t think it’s a panic attack… just the best way I can describe the feeling.

My point of this post, which is getting dwarfed by the incoherent babbling I previously mentioned, is attempting to say thank you. I have been shown more kindness, support and love than I ever thought possible. Some of it has been from total strangers, like a friend of a friend who sent me and the dogs a giant box of dog treats from the treat company that she works at.




A lot of that love has also been from everyone reading this blog.

When I saw what Tracy organized for me with the help from all of y’all in the horse blogging world, it felt like time stopped for a few seconds. I am so deeply, deeply touched. Maybe one day I will have more words and a better time processing how I feel right now to thank all of you personally, but know that I couldn’t be more appreciative. I just don’t know how to say thank you right now.

But seriously, thank you.

33 thoughts on “Don’t Know How to Say Thank You

  1. I know a lot of us had the idea to organize something but luckily Tracy already had it half planned!! She is awesome! And isn’t it crazy how much horses can help when the whole world is madness? I went through a serious bout of depression (possibly hormonal, birth control seemed to fix it, but before getting on bc I was a train wreck). Had I not had my horse, I can’t say I wouldn’t have tried something incredibly stupid. Or ended up an alcoholic. Or something. So definitely keep riding, even some days when you don’t feel like it (although you’re totally allowed days where you don’t leave the couch and just wallow in sadness-that’s needed too). Love and hugs.

  2. Oh Lauren, I am so so pleased to hear that Simon, a giant box of dog treats, and even us, your devoted group of bloggers and blog followers, have managed to provide you a little moment of respite here and there. It does my heart good. Great idea to go for a ride and let your exhausted brain rest for a few minutes. Big virtual hugs, as always.

  3. I’m very happy to see that you rode and enjoyed it. From one BT owner to another, seeing your BT and other pups enjoying the lovely gift must have felt good 🙂 Keep on keeping on.

  4. We care about you very much!! So glad you sat on Simon for a bit. Kudos to that friend for pushing you to do that. And you’re right, maybe everything isn’t hopeless bullshit after all. <3

  5. We don’t know each other, but I’d love to give you a big hug right now. So glad you have Simon to help you <3

  6. I don’t think the majority of us were expecting a personal thank you from you (way too many, way too hard!) but I think this post does it beautifully! & I am also glad to see you on Simon again! 🙂

  7. I’m so glad you threw a leg over and found the briefest distraction! I’m so glad you have Simon there with you…
    Silly as it may seem, I’m so glad to be able to comment on your blog again!!!
    (work ‘puter runs an old, old version of IE, so the other format just didn’t let me.)
    We’re all here to cry with you. And to heal with you.
    LOVE!!! <3

  8. Horses are a great break from any reality. So glad some Simon saddle time helped & that the pooches are being spoiled. In tines of tragedy we take strength from where we can. We really are blessed when it comes to horses, great stoic partners in times of adversity.

  9. Glad you got to ride Simon, I agree that eyes up heals down is about the only thing that can really clear a mind. Still loving you and sending you prayers. And BTW I don’t even like lobster and the only thing I’ve been craving recently are those lobster cheddar grits you mentioned!

  10. I’ve always loved that on a horse I can forget everything else; riding is just so demanding, physically and mentally, that for a little while I can just be there with my horse, and no where else.

  11. “least productive ride ever”?

    It sounds like it was just what the doctor ordered. It made you feel better, even if for a short time, so I consider it was a VERY productive ride. Riding will help you as you try to deal with your great loss. You’ll experience times of great grief but as time goes on, it will ease. Crying one minute and laughing the next is totally normal when one has experienced the death of a loved one.

    Ride when you can, write when you feel like it, vegetate when you want/need to. Many of us, even though we don’t know you except from your blog, love you and are praying for you. {{hug}}

  12. Getting back in the saddle is a great release. It will give you a break from the world and give you a sliver of peace. You are so strong. I’m so sorry you are going through this but you have a lot of people that care about you.

  13. Love you lady. I’ve been thinking of you nonstop. You are amazing and I’m so glad that Simon was able to distract you from everything, if only for a little while.

  14. I’m glad you got some time to ride and find some peace. Hugs and love to you and your family. Your memorial post was beautiful and I bet the service was even more so.

  15. I’m so very sorry to hear about Tim. I am truly amazed by your strength. I can’t even imagine what you are going thru… but I do know that horses are the best medicine. Give that beautiful horse of yours a hug for me!

  16. We all love you and wish you peace and strength during this devastating time. I am glad you were able to sit on your horse and re-center for a little while, and that you have a good support system.

  17. There is nothing so good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse. Unproductive rides sound like the most productive thing you could do for yourself right now! As always, sending tons and tons of love your way.

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