Unrecognizable

Unrecognizable

I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. This has been a general theme with me since legitimately everything in my life is different from a year and a half ago (only exception is my job), but my Facebook feed notified me this morning that it was a year ago that I had to let my sweet little BT dog go.

Re-reading that post this morning, I thought about my life a year ago. I was living in an apartment shuffling the three dogs around so they didn’t kill each other. The location was isolated on the far north side of town away from everything familiar to me in Austin. If you look back at my not-for-the-blog writing in those months, I write a lot about listening to coyotes. It felt like the four of us were holed up in that apartment waiting to see who was going to get picked off by the wildlife next.

29051237364_0243e950ed_c

I was so sad living in that apartment. Moving in a little over a month after Tim died, of course I would be but it went deeper than I even realized at the time. Most nights I would flop on the couch, arm dangling over the side and watch TV until my brain shut off. I watched chick flicks, wondering if I ever would love again. I watched shows Tim and I used to watch together, trying to bring back some sort of semblance of my old life. On good days I would go outside and meet up with friends, but numbing myself at home was the standard. The morning after I put BT died, I laid in bed staring at the ceiling and contemplating the fact that there was actually no point to living at all if everyone died. That was the worst of it, and like anything – it didn’t last.

It was more than just the all fulfilling sadness that made my life different then. Everything to me felt temporary. There was this crushing pressure to live every single moment in honor of Tim. I should eat this food at this restaurant, because it was his favorite. Watch this movie, because he loved it so much. Travel to this place, because it’s somewhere he wanted to see. The rest of my life felt like it should be a long running memorial to him, and I was so heartbroken that I was willing to devote myself to the cause.

29051233704_dbec76b9cf_z

A year later and that dark apartment feels like a distant memory. It seems impossible that I ever lived there, and I no longer hear coyotes howling and yipping as they tear apart rabbits while I’m trying to sleep. Moving out of that grief has been like slowly waking up from anesthesia. The world is groggy at first, but eventually I put the pieces back together.

I live in a work in progress house that I adore. The furniture I’ve filled it with reflects Tim’s modern/contemporary tastes, but they’re all pieces I’ve picked out myself. I’ve hung art that I want and the throw pillows actually stay on the couches and chairs versus being thrown on the floor. There are touches of Tim throughout my house – a Tardis on the bookshelf, pictures of him sprinkled throughout and the complete and utter lack of paper goods that drives my friends crazy (I promise – it’s very possible to live without paper towels). I see him in every room, but I also see a house that feels like me. Not me living for him.

29052793653_4aab544944_c

29596314631_2a2067db1e_c

Again I’m back to three dogs under my dwelling, but this time there’s no aggression. A friend of mine became my roommate in July, and she brings a youthful liveliness to the house that I’ve grown to love. On days when I’m feeling a bit darker, it’s great to have someone else around. Plus her dog is Pascale’s BEST FRIEND and by some miracle Eliot is also getting along with everyone. Tim probably threatened to haunt him forever if he ever bit another eyeball.

29596387061_d56424aab0_z

This is a slow process. I am not healed. Part of me never will be, but you learn to live with the holes in your heart. I said things a year ago that seem so silly to me now, but you can only know what you know at the time I guess. Sometimes I circle around the facts, because the rest is too foggy to deal with.

29052790333_6b5ce0fbd8_c

I own a house in North Austin. I am (working on) making it with my single income. I have two dogs, plus roommate dog. I have a roommate. I have more friends than I’ve ever had before. I am dating again. I have two horses, and am riding a loveable jughead versus my heart horse. I drive a smancy (to me) Mazda.  I am not alone. I am damaged, but not dead.

40 thoughts on “Unrecognizable

  1. Love this. Your house is gorgeous! Can you do a future post about how to survive without paper towels? I love the idea but when I think about what to kill a bug in or how to deal with a dog with the occasional dangling turd on it’s butt well I think of paper towels as my friend, lol.

    1. Hahaha! Well I just use rags for everything. I keep a drawer in the kitchen with everything ranging from cleaning towels to plushy old hand towels. I use those for cleaning/whatever and then toss in the laundry room in a pile to wash with a load of towels or sheets in the future. It’s really not that bad 🙂

  2. I love your home! I know the sadness may not ever go away, but it’s interesting to see how the progression of the process of healing through your words.

  3. Your house looks like a designer showcase home. Damn, girl, you fancy!

    Also, yes it is possible to live without paper towels. Although my mom always buys a dozen rolls when she comes to visit… and then proceeds to use like two sheets. AARGH!

  4. Lily will be so glad to hear that she has been (mostly) replaced as Pascale’s best friend! Change is so hard, and I won’t so it’s a good thing necessarily, but I am glad that good is coming out of it.

  5. First off, your house is seriously beautiful and I am jealous of your decorating skills! Secondly, I agree with the commenters, you’re amazing. Also, I hate paper towels. They annoy me. Normal towels for the win!

  6. Like everybody else has said, your home is beautiful. It looks warm, comfortable, peaceful and relaxing. All things important in healing and moving forward. You are blessed to have it.

    Yes Tim is gone, but like you said, the rest of your life doesn’t need to be a memorial to him to show you were dedicated to and loved him. You are allowed to move on and all good things take time.

  7. Love your house!!! And I’m glad you have a roomie and an extra pup around- I think the more furry friends the better provided they all have a peaceful living arrangement.

  8. I absolutely love the way you decorated your home! It’s looks comfortable but still stylish and it’s got an equestrian vibe without being overly horsey. You did an excellent job with it!

    And as for the rest, I like how you put it. You’re learning to live with the holes in your heart. I’m sure overtime they’ll get smaller and you’ll heal more. But I think it’s important to give yourself plenty of time for that to happen, which it seems like you’re doing. I’m learning that being hard on yourself when you’re dealing with difficult stuff only makes things worse.

  9. Like everyone above me, I adore your house!!! But I’d like to add that this was a beautifully written piece–reflective and graceful.
    I wish you all the best.

  10. Your home is so so so beautiful. And I’m so excited to hear Eliot is cool with Pascale’s new BFF!! That’s great news.

    You’ve got a lot of tenacity, lady. Keep poweirn’ through.

  11. Love your decorating style! So clean looking yet so personalized. Sounds like you’ve got it goin on these days. Happy for you.

  12. You’re such a phenomenal lady! So funny how we can look back at periods in our life with such blessed clarity, seeing how they shaped the person we are today. 🙂

    Will you come to DC and help me cull things from my house? I like how clean yours looks!!

  13. You are healing. It takes a long, long time, but you’re making great progress. Your house is absolutely beautiful. I love it! Mine is still so not decorated and is boring lol. I’m glad things are improving for you. 🙂

  14. its so true time really does help though its the last thing we want to hear at the time! its been almost two years since my husband died and all the things you have felt i have to.you are so right im damaged but im not dead!i feel like life is starting to get better now and im glad its starting to get better for you to! your house is lovely!

Comments are closed.

Comments are closed.