Tomorrow will be one month. I know the saying “time flies” is something that everyone is aware of, but I’m not sure I can describe to you how much this past month has been a blur. Initially, I feel like I was being led through it by my family and friends. I guess I was, because if they weren’t here I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed or eaten or planned a proper memorial for my husband….
The Mohawk is a local music institution in Austin. It has a main stage outside with multiple levels of porches and areas to listen to the music. There are also some big old trees that hang over the benches, and the sound circles around everything. Four years ago, Tim and I went to see Yann Tiersen play there with some friends. Yann is a French musician and composer. He did the soundtrack for Amélie, which was one of Tim’s favorite movies….
More than once, I’ve been asked if I’m angry. At least right now, I’m not angry at Tim. He didn’t mean to end things this way. I don’t think I’ll ever understand what he was dealing with. His death was a preventable accident, but still an accident. I am angry at a lot of things though. I’m angry that Geico upped my car insurance 15% because I had previously been “enjoying a married drivers discount” since married drivers are statistically…
Everyone keeps asking how I’m doing. My response is pretty much always “I’m okay,” because there aren’t really words to accurately say how I’m doing. I get up. I feed my dogs. I feed myself. I go do stuff. Some days I set aside for productive days. Those are pretty much just for tackling the poop list. They are mentally and physically exhausting… a blog post for another day. In between my productive days, I try to do some fun…
Teach us to care and not to care Teach us to sit still Even among these rocks, Our peace in His will And even among these rocks Sister, mother And spirit of the river, spirit of the sea, Suffer me not to be separated And let my cry come unto Thee. – T.S. Eliot The reality of what has happened is slowly sinking in. One way to expedite that realization is to pick up your husband’s remains from the funeral…
Forget how I’m doing, how are my dogs? As you can imagine, when everything happened Thursday the dogs were the farthest thing on my mind for a while. However, when I got kicked out of my house turned crime scene I had them in the back yard with us. They alternated between bringing us toys to play with and letting me hug and cry on their fur. I’d like to say they knew what happened, but I’m pretty sure they…
My new word is poop. Everything is poop. I have settled on poop because it’s more socially acceptable than me dropping the f bomb every other sentence. Plus, I’ve never written a blog title with overt obscenities in the title so I’m trying to hold on to that little shred of dignity. On top of all the grief, having your husband die is a giant pain in the ass. When you have lived with someone for over seven years, life…
I’ve been sleeping a lot better lately, but I’m overwhelmingly tired all the time. I start this post off with that fact mostly because I’m pretty sure the rest of it is going to be incoherent babbling. I haven’t had much motivation to do anything the past few days. Having people around means that it’s pretty obvious if you don’t get out of bed until never or if when you do get out of bed the only thing you manage…