Forget how I’m doing, how are my dogs?
As you can imagine, when everything happened Thursday the dogs were the farthest thing on my mind for a while. However, when I got kicked out of my house turned crime scene I had them in the back yard with us. They alternated between bringing us toys to play with and letting me hug and cry on their fur. I’d like to say they knew what happened, but I’m pretty sure they thought it was a strange party. They kept coming up to me like, “Why are you so sad Mom when all of these nice people are here?”
Pascale and BT were loose in the house when everything happened. Though BT loved Tim more than any person in the whole world (including me), I’m not sure she knows. On her best days, BT is not a super intelligent animal and now she is deaf/blind and a little bit senile. I try to let her sleep in my bed a few nights a week to give her a break from the bathroom, and the past week she has spent some time looking for him in his usual spot. Of course he hasn’t been there, and then she ends up sleeping closer to me than normal.
Pascale is a bundle of limitless joy in every aspect of her life, and she’s been helping me with all of this the most. The first night I stayed at a friend’s house and brought her with me, and she’s been sleeping by my side ever since. The day after Tim died, she acted very wary of the spare bedroom. I’m sure I’ll never know for sure, but I think she knows what happened. Whether it’s the truth or not, I like to think she was with him as he drifted away.
However dogs are animals and I think animals grieve and accept things different than we do. She’s pretty much been her normal happy self. The only change has been at night she sleeps very close to me off and on. She’s an insecure dog in many ways, so I think we take comfort in each other.
Finally, Eliot is the one who surprised me the most. Tim met Eliot when he was still under six months old, so Tim was Eliot’s owner just as much as I was. However, after Eliot attacked BT Tim had a hard time with his fluffy spaniel. The attack really, really upset Tim much deeper than I felt like it should and he held it against Eliot. Tim still loved Eliot and wasn’t mean to him, but the affection and attention that was there in the past was gone.
So it’s surreal and a bit strange that Eliot seems a lot happier. The first 48 hours Eliot was more affectionate to me than he has been in the past two years, probably because he knew I needed it. Now things have evened out more, but his mood is better and he’s much more playful than late. Of course, this could have had many factors including some of Eliot’s favorite people that have visited or are visiting, but it still makes me go ‘hmmmm’.
Sometimes I wish I could grieve like a dog and accept things I cannot understand. Of course, my human brain is still here trying to make sense of things and of course sifting through my pile of poop.