More than once, I’ve been asked if I’m angry.

At least right now, I’m not angry at Tim. He didn’t mean to end things this way. I don’t think I’ll ever understand what he was dealing with. His death was a preventable accident, but still an accident.

I am angry at a lot of things though.


I’m angry that Geico upped my car insurance 15% because I had previously been “enjoying a married drivers discount” since married drivers are statistically safer than single ones.

I’m angry that I started chest compressions as soon as 911 had my address. When the paramedics arrived, I was sent out of the room so they could work on him. After they “called it”, my house became a crime scene. I never had a moment to kiss his forehead or tell him I loved him. I wish I had that moment. I’m very angry about that.

I’m angry that one of the cops told me “It’s good sign they’re working on him so long,” and another nodded in agreement. He said that, “Usually if I come to a scene and it’s bad they won’t do much.” That officer gave me hope that was short lived, and then replaced with the worst heartbreak I will ever know.

I’m angry that I have 4 computer monitors, two working laptops, three maybe working laptops, two micro computers, 1 raspberry pie computer and a host of other cords and gadgets and things that I have no idea what to do with.


I’m angry with 75% of the people that use Craigslist.

I’m angry that no home owner will rent to me with my 3 dogs.

I’m angry that his company switched him from not so great health insurance to a good plan… on July 1st. Now I have a stack of medical bills to deal with. At the time, I told Tim that no matter what those bills were, it was worth it because they saved his life. I’m angry that I don’t have that reason anymore.


I’m angry that I can’t figure out any type of long term plan. I don’t even know what state I want to live in or what I want to do with my life.

I’m angry that I have two expensive vehicles I don’t want and are going to be complicated to sell.

Most of all, I’m angry that I lost the person who loved me more than anyone else in the world.

41 thoughts on “Rawr

  1. I think those are all totally justifiable reasons for being angry. I’m sorry I don’t have any great advice. I think the people at GEICO are major assholes for raising your insurance. Way to kick people while they’re down, GEICO!

    1. RIGHT? I am a *much* better driver than my husband was the past several months, although I do have the rare habit of backing over myself and tearing off car doors…

  2. You have every right to be. Keep searching for places, eventually one will come up for the dogs, maybe in the country? Sending hugs.

    Ps that AP meme made me LOL

  3. Craigslist “buyers” are the pits. I can’t imagine several of the other things mentioned, but if you ever need to talk, let me know. If nothing else, sometimes it helps to vent.

  4. I think you have every right to be angry for as long as you want. Those are pretty good reasons. I’m sure figuring out a long-term plan will come with time, though being a compulsive planner myself I’d absolutely be frustrated without a plan and no matter how many times people tell me it takes time, it probably wouldn’t help because deep down I already know that. But it just doesn’t make it any less frustrating!

    And yeah, that Geico thing is total BS. Wtf seriously.

  5. As an insurance agent, I would encourage you to look for another company. Our company would list you as a widow and rate you as though you were married so you are not penalized for suddenly becoming single. I know you have more than enough on your plate right now, and this would just be one more thing to add, but I wanted to throw it out there for you. Not all companies will rate you as a single person.

    Many hugs to you, I think your reasons for being angry are extremely justifiable.

    1. Great advice, and good to know there are some companies out there who won’t penalize people in these situations. I am hoping to change to a local TX plan soon, but am waiting to hopefully get rid of some of the extra vehicles first.

  6. I’m glad you aren’t angry at Tim. That would make everything so much worse. I’m very angry with my dad and his 20+ year long struggle with booze. I’m angry at all the lies and deceit. It has pretty much ruined our relationship at this point, and has colored other areas of my life when I let it.

    Stay angry at Geico and Craigslist. It’s better that way 🙁

  7. You should move to New Jersey and board at my barn. You’d fit in perfectly! In all seriousness though, this crap would make me angry too. In fact I am a little angry on your behalf over a lot of it, especially the officers’ behavior in not giving you a moment with him. That’s not fair and you should be angry about that. And Geico, and Craigslist, and insurance companies, and potential landlords who don’t see how awesome you and your dogs would be as tenants. My offer to help still stands, by the way, if I can be of any assistance!

  8. I gotta say, you’re handing it a lot better than I would. I tend to respond to adversity with anger, so I can only imagine that I’d really be hating the world by now. Your anger is justified, and really, I think you’re showing remarkable calm, all things considered! You haven’t punched a Craigslister yet, and that seems like a win in and of itself.

  9. Those are all super reasonable things to be angry about, honestly. Car insurance companies are honestly my least favourite people to talk to. I hate them. Maybe only Craigslist buyers do I hate more.

  10. I’ve kept you in my thoughts and I am so pissed on your behalf at having to deal with all this. Damn Geico and craigslisters and health bills!

  11. Good for you for getting this out! You should be angry. And you’re totally directing it in all the right places.
    Don’t expect to have the rest of your life suddenly figured out in a week or two. You don’t have to do that. Just keep doing what you do, and things will fall into place.
    Let yourself be angry. And sad. And happy too. When all the feels are feeling at once, go hug your pony. And take your dog to the swim park.
    Thinking of you!

  12. Many people think anger is a negative emotion. And while yes, it can be, in this case it’s not. Anger is necessary, productive and can be cleansing. Revel in it, and use that anger!

  13. A+ for use of memes in this post. seriously tho – it sounds like you’re dealing with a logistical nightmare that would infuriate the most patient person – let alone someone who perhaps would rather have their thoughts elsewhere. stay strong and F the insurance companies ridiculous craigslisters

  14. Craigslist buyers sometimes makes me doubt my faith in humanity. Same with insurance people overall. I would’ve lost my marbles at one or the other by now. Sending you all good vibes in your efforts to find a new place!

  15. You are handling all of this so well though, just wanted to give you kudos for that, although I’m sure it’s no comfort.

    In regards to the medical insurance/bills… In this state, medical bills can’t affect your credit, and no matter what BS they tell you, medical charges are negotiable. Push back at those companies and ask them to cut the bills in half or by 75% or something that might seem crazy. They have no leverage to force you to pay, and right now I’m sure you need the money more than they do.

  16. Bleck. That all really sucks. I remind myself frequently of the adage, “and this too shall pass.” It’s not a very helpful adage, but it’s at least truthful. Just keep doing what you’re doing.

  17. Come live in Kansas with me!!
    I kind of hate to be practical at a moment like this, but… I need to buy a computer, and if it will help you out, I’d be just as happy to buy one from you as from Nebraska Furniture Mart…..

  18. Those are definitely valid things/reasons to be angry. Don’t let yourself get to stressed about the future. I think as equestrians we are predisposed to the feeling of hurry up and wait. There’s no rush, one day at a time is a good way to be (for now anyway).

  19. I echo all the sympathy and also the group hate toward craigslist 🙂 Mostly though I want to say (again) how impressed and honored I am at your shared honesty in this process. You have a always had a wonderful “blog voice” but sharing the joy and snark of riding lessons is a far cry from what you’re able to make words of with this process. I remain in awe. xo

  20. I find FB sales slightly better over Craigslist. Slightly. Anger is good in doses, it gives us high octang fuel to move forward with difficult tasks. Use the force.

  21. Geico are assholes! Don’t worry, you’ll figure out what you want to do and where you want to be, it will come to you piece by piece. Things will start lining themselves out in time. I’m sure you’ve probably heard that a million times already, but it’s true. In the mean time you have every right to be angry at whatever you want.

  22. Lauren, it’s good to be angry because you are such a strong person and you’re going to get through all of this mess… It’s crazy because I think about your situation a few times a week, I can only imagine what you are going through right now. Stay strong and get your anger out!

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