More than once, I’ve been asked if I’m angry.
At least right now, I’m not angry at Tim. He didn’t mean to end things this way. I don’t think I’ll ever understand what he was dealing with. His death was a preventable accident, but still an accident.
I am angry at a lot of things though.
I’m angry that Geico upped my car insurance 15% because I had previously been “enjoying a married drivers discount” since married drivers are statistically safer than single ones.
I’m angry that I started chest compressions as soon as 911 had my address. When the paramedics arrived, I was sent out of the room so they could work on him. After they “called it”, my house became a crime scene. I never had a moment to kiss his forehead or tell him I loved him. I wish I had that moment. I’m very angry about that.
I’m angry that one of the cops told me “It’s good sign they’re working on him so long,” and another nodded in agreement. He said that, “Usually if I come to a scene and it’s bad they won’t do much.” That officer gave me hope that was short lived, and then replaced with the worst heartbreak I will ever know.
I’m angry that I have 4 computer monitors, two working laptops, three maybe working laptops, two micro computers, 1 raspberry pie computer and a host of other cords and gadgets and things that I have no idea what to do with.
I’m angry with 75% of the people that use Craigslist.
I’m angry that no home owner will rent to me with my 3 dogs.
I’m angry that his company switched him from not so great health insurance to a good plan… on July 1st. Now I have a stack of medical bills to deal with. At the time, I told Tim that no matter what those bills were, it was worth it because they saved his life. I’m angry that I don’t have that reason anymore.
I’m angry that I can’t figure out any type of long term plan. I don’t even know what state I want to live in or what I want to do with my life.
I’m angry that I have two expensive vehicles I don’t want and are going to be complicated to sell.
Most of all, I’m angry that I lost the person who loved me more than anyone else in the world.