I hear “one day at a time”, “one minute at a time” and “keep putting one foot in front of the other” very often. It’s one of those obnoxiously cliche things to say that is both annoying to hear but also extremely accurate. With something like this, sometimes it really is the only way to go forward. For me, the saying has morphed into something more like “stride by stride.” All my life I’ve been very conscious that I’m the…
Sometimes when I am doing something innocuous like running an errand or cleaning my house, a simplistic mantra comes to me as easy as breathing does. My husband is dead. I found him. He is not coming back. This is my life now. The moments when I repeat this to myself are never emotional, teary ones. It’s as if my brain is reminding itself of this predicament. It feels like I’m living in an alternate universe, and I have to remind myself…
If I had words to make a day for you, I’d sing you a morning golden and new. I would make this day last for all time – Give you a night deep in moonshine. – Scott Fitzgerald I wish I could write about how happy Simon was when I rode him the other night. We just walked around mostly, a mix of floppy reins and bending/collection. The little trot we did do felt nice and sound, so I am…
I’ve always been fascinated by the juxtapositions I find in life. Right now, my reality is filled with them. They bring me humor, delight and a sense that the universe really does have a greater plan… even if that plan is super shitty at times. My mailbox is an almost constant state of juxtaposition. While I was never a big mail checker in the past, now the daily walk with the dogs to my mailbox is filled with questions like, “Wonder…
When I wrote the one month post, I felt like I blinked and thirty days had passed. Things are slower now – slower and different than before. Foolishly, I thought this would be a linear process. While I used to define my grief in good vs bad days, now there are just days. Lots of little things come up during the course of a day – something someone says, a song, a memory or an item I find in the…
A friend has mentioned that she keeps waiting for my angry/explosive phase of my grieving. I’m not sure if that will happen or not, but my fuse is really short right now in general. The list of things that annoys me is deep as the contents in my storage shed that I still need to go through. I’m really trying to be patient and kind. I’m trying to understand that other people are grieving too, and just because they didn’t…
Prelude: This post today does not mean I’m sitting here in my desk crying, but rather I’m sitting here at my desk at boots & breeches because I’m showing after work today. Schooling was great, but I’m super busy this week so I have a blog post I wrote a week ago for today. Will have a show report for y’all Monday! I am not what you would call an emotional person. Between the two of us, Tim was always…
This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper. – T.S. Eliot, “The Hollow Men” I have been doing a lot of thinking about Tim’s final thoughts on this earth. The afternoon before he died, I talked to him on the phone after his therapy appointment. Tim was in pretty good spirits considering everything that had been going on for the previous weeks, and it was a positive phone call. Through my extremely impressive detective…