Ever since Tim died, I knew that I wanted to give myself some kind of physical reward for making it through this process mostly intact. I’m not above self bribery at all, and there have been many a day where I’ve woken up thinking something like, “I will get out of bed today even though I won’t want to and someday this will all be worth it.” Of course, getting up every day is worth it regardless of any happy I could have dreamed up. I’ve got a great network of friends, hobbies, family and things to do. I love where I live and I have a career that’s booming in my city. There is a lot to be thankful for, and I continue to try and see that every day.

Buuuuut I still have this little desire to ‘treat yoself’.

Even though it has come from tragic circumstances, I’m able to do that right now. People who know me in real life have heard me talk about so many grand plans that at this point they just roll their eyes and think, “What will she come up with next week?” My grand ideas about what to do have gone through quite the gamut. At one point or another, I have told someone that I planned to do the following:

• Quit my job and go to grad school full time
• Take Simon to WEF
• Buy a baby horse
• Buy a project horse
• Buy a baby project horse
• Become a real estate baron
• Move to Wilmington, NC for no other reason than I can afford a cute condo in the historic riverfront
• Quit my job and live in an RV as long as I can
• Live overseas
• Buy a saddle
• Get a roommate

Of course, I’ve done none of this… except buy a saddle and them promptly resell it. What I have done is worked out these elaborate plans in my mind like a crazy person, and then decided they’re not a good idea. Bless my patient friends who continue to listen to me without judgement. Every single one of them nods their heads, and quietly nudges me in the right direction when I’m getting too crazy.

This has gone on for ten months, and although I haven’t acted out any of my crazy plans… I have acted on the stable ones. I bought my house. My lawyer has been toiling away (love her) on settling Tim’s estate. I’ve put funds where they needed to be for long-term stability, and I’ve decided to once again forgo my MFA dreams in order to keep my lifestyle (and let’s face it – horse’s lifestyle) at a level that I’m used to. Though I’ve been theorizing more decisions than I’ve been actually making, I don’t regret any of the decisions that I have made.

To try and solve my horse showing conundrum, I’m about to make another one. Simon is my first priority and after a lot of number crunching, I knew that taking on a second horse long term would not be doable for me. I can’t keep up two horses at the level I think they should be maintained for a showing life, which rules out baby horse and project horse.

What I can do is take on two for a limited time. A short term horse with a return policy? Sign me up! Basically, I am going to look for a hunter to lease for around six months to a year. I’m not entirely sure what that situation will look like, but am confident the right one will come along. It might be me having two horses for a while (omg, the luxury!) or it might be that I half or full lease Simon out to a new friend for a little bit.

I’m not sure how everything will work out, but can we ever fully predict the future? Not one bit! For now I will be thoroughly enjoying my nerd (heart) horse as well as looking for a hunter unicorn to play with for a little while. So if you know of any unicorns looking for a lease right now, send them my way! 🙂