My Job at the Cult – The Promotion

My Job at the Cult – The Promotion

Given the turbulent environment at the cult, you’d think there wouldn’t be much room for upward growth.  In contrary, they actually gave promotions out like candy.

Unlike candy, promotions weren’t very sweet.  It was more of a curse than a blessing really, because they did not typically come with any raise.  I knew several people who received a lot more responsibility, often switching departments or roles entirely, to bring the same amount of bacon home at the end of the day.

After we observed this for a while, no one wanted to get “promoted”.  I even had a friend who was literally trying to get fired so she could collect unemployment and get out of the bat shit place.  She would watch movies at her desk, take long lunches, and literally eat snacks with her feet up on her desk (I adore this person by the way, it was amazing to witness).  Did she get fired?

No, they gave her a Starbucks gift card one day in a random display of affection.

There’s one promotion in particular that stood out in my mind as horrifying, even though it didn’t happen to me.

My friend, who we will call Molly Marketer, was asked to change locations from a nice office to a desk in a cold, dark corner of the room.  There was no real reason given for this move, and she wasn’t super happy.  She quickly packed up her belongings, and put them down on new desk.


The next day, Molly Marketer was brought in by the overlords to discuss her performance at work.  They thought she wasn’t performing up to expectations, and were giving her a good talkin’ to.  During this talk, Molly Marketer (who really does work hard) pushed back.

“Hey!” she said.  “I really do work hard here,” and she listed out all the responsibilities she does on a daily basis.

“Wow, Molly!” they replied.  “You really do work hard here.  We were wrong.”

Instead of berating her more, they actually gave Molly Marketer a promotion!  She would (shockingly) even get a small raise.  Molly left work feeling happy and accomplished.


The next day, Molly Marketer worked with her “new title” and felt good about life.

On Friday of the same week she got promoted (some 48 hours earlier), Molly Marketer set into work.  Again, the overlords pulled her into their office.


“Molly, we’re going to have to let you go.”

“WHAT?  I was just promoted two days ago!”

“Yes, that’s true… but we can’t forgive the display you made when we asked you to move your desk earlier this week.”

Apparently, they claimed Molly acted too upset when moving from her office.  Who knows.  I felt so bad for Molly Marketer, because she really did work hard and deserved that promotion times 1000.

Just another exciting adventure in cult life.


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