Last week in a bout of self reflection about the last year, I wrote about the things I did right in 2016. Because this is the internet, I know there was at least one person out there thinking, “Well isn’t she just a little high and mighty.”
Don’t worry person – this post is for you!
Though I’m proud of a lot of the things I did or attempted last year, there were certainly some areas that need improvement.
Neglected Physical Health in Pursuit of Mental Health
The first thing you may think while reading that above statement is, but physical and mental health are tied together. Why yes, they are! Last year I was so sad so much of the time, that I did whatever I needed to in the pursuit of instant satisfaction. This included froyo, french fries and days laying on the couch watching Netflix when I couldn’t get out of bed to save my life. Here’s the good news – I’m feeling a lot better these days. Here’s the bad news – my overall health is probably at an all time low. Now I’ve already done a lot to fix this with treating my sleep apnea and begin the tedious process that is calorie counting, and I know it’s not a forever state… but my life would be a lot easier now if I had just taken a little bit better care of my physical self last year.
Buying a Second Horse
I have mixed feelings in this. In some ways, I needed to try (and fail) in my quest to get a hunter in order to get the entire life perspective regarding horses that I so desperately needed. The mistake in buying a horse has nothing to do with Roman. Roman is a perfectly lovely creature. However, my mental state was not as good as I thought when I made the decision to buy a hunter. I was desperately looking for something to make me happy, and thought a horse might do the trick. Spoiler alert – my issues had a lot less to do with lead changes than I thought. Also, I set up a very precarious financial situation for myself in buying Roman. Now it could have been way worse and no damage has been done beyond repair, but this is definitely something I wish I could go back and change. Of course I can’t, so at this point I just hope he sells soon to a lovely new mom.
Believed Fiction to be Fact
Let me give you a little insight to how my brain works. Let’s say one day I bought a pair of beautiful coral patent leather Coach stilettos. I think to myself, damn these are some beautiful stilettos. I could wear these shoes on my first major appearance on the book tour for my future novel. That thought alone isn’t a problem, but I tend to spiral. I think about how awesome I’m going to be wearing the shoes during my reading. I think about what dress I’ll wear with the shoes when I meet Jimmy Fallon on the Tonight show. I think about the massive success the shoes will bring me when I get a large advance for my second book.
I simply go nuts until I kind of start to believe this all will happen. Then one day I look at the shoes in my closet, and I get angry. WHY AM I NOT A FAMOUS AUTHOR YET, SHOES?! HUH!? HUH!?! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!
And that’s why I don’t buy expensive shoes anymore. Kidding. Sort of…
I do this train of thought with everything though. I do it with horses. I do it with men. I do it with opportunities in my life. It makes me bat shit crazy and frustrated and hopeful all at the same time, and I need to stop the habit or at the very least find some kind of inner balance with it all.
Not Making Reading a Priority
Despite being an English major, I am not very well for someone my age within the world of creative writing. It hurts my pride to admit that. Though I certainly read more than the average American last year, I often chose mindless TV before picking up a book. Some of my goals in life for the next few years require that I get through a lot of literature, and I wasted the better half of a year on re-runs of Parks and Recreation. Though this isn’t the world’s worst thing, it’s a big area for improvement.
Honestly I could go back and pin point a lot of wrong turns I made in the last year. Most of my misgivings were part of a grander learning process I’m still getting through, but the areas outlined above are my main areas of regret.