“These two things fight together in me as the snakes fight in the spring. The water comes out of my eyes; yet I laugh while it falls. Why?”
– Rudyard Kipling
I have always liked October. The air starts to cool down in Texas, and evenings flirt with the idea of sweater weather approaching. There’s a cleansing aspect to the air – a different kind of smell and feeling. Plus, it’s the start of all the holidays and my favorite time of the year.
This year, I’ve been looking forward to October like one looks forward to a root canal.
Immediately after Tim died, I knew this month would be hard. We got engaged in October, married in October and celebrated his birthday every year in October. Emotionally, it’s an important month.
Logistically, it’ll be an important month for me too. If everything goes as it should, I will have a court date this month, a house closing and what will probably be a large amount of paperwork to deal with insurances and vehicle changes. All these things need to be done, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be easy.
Even though none of these important dates – emotional or logistic – have approached yet, I have this constant feeling of dread. I want to curl up and hibernate for the rest of the year. I could nap with Eliot in the corner of my closet where I keep Tim’s old coats that I haven’t wanted to get rid of. We would sleep in a little pack for a few months. Me and my dogs, like Mowgli in the Jungle Book.
When I opened up my eyes, it would be 2016. I would be 31, and the terrible start to my 30’s would be over. I’d have a cute house in a fun area that I enjoyed living in. I’d have a little bit of money in the bank. I’d have a better hand on my life’s direction. I would have survived the worst of “the first’s” without remembering surviving them at all.
People often tell me that better things are coming for me. I know they mean well and say this to bring me comfort, but I want to laugh and ask if they are smoking crack. I don’t though, I just nod.
Since there is no hibernation option or fast forward button in life, I will slough through October… and the months that follow. One day it will be a near year, and a fresh start will feel more attainable. Until it does, I keep my head down and keep pushing.