Press Fast Forward

Press Fast Forward

“These two things fight together in me as the snakes fight in the spring. The water comes out of my eyes; yet I laugh while it falls. Why?”

– Rudyard Kipling

I have always liked October. The air starts to cool down in Texas, and evenings flirt with the idea of sweater weather approaching. There’s a cleansing aspect to the air – a different kind of smell and feeling. Plus, it’s the start of all the holidays and my favorite time of the year.

This year, I’ve been looking forward to October like one looks forward to a root canal.

Immediately after Tim died, I knew this month would be hard. We got engaged in October, married in October and celebrated his birthday every year in October. Emotionally, it’s an important month.

Logistically, it’ll be an important month for me too. If everything goes as it should, I will have a court date this month, a house closing and what will probably be a large amount of paperwork to deal with insurances and vehicle changes. All these things need to be done, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be easy.

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Even though none of these important dates – emotional or logistic – have approached yet, I have this constant feeling of dread. I want to curl up and hibernate for the rest of the year. I could nap with Eliot in the corner of my closet where I keep Tim’s old coats that I haven’t wanted to get rid of. We would sleep in a little pack for a few months. Me and my dogs, like Mowgli in the Jungle Book.

When I opened up my eyes, it would be 2016. I would be 31, and the terrible start to my 30’s would be over. I’d have a cute house in a fun area that I enjoyed living in. I’d have a little bit of money in the bank. I’d have a better hand on my life’s direction. I would have survived the worst of “the first’s” without remembering surviving them at all.

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People often tell me that better things are coming for me. I know they mean well and say this to bring me comfort, but I want to laugh and ask if they are smoking crack. I don’t though, I just nod.

Since there is no hibernation option or fast forward button in life, I will slough through October… and the months that follow. One day it will be a near year, and a fresh start will feel more attainable. Until it does, I keep my head down and keep pushing.

14 thoughts on “Press Fast Forward

  1. 1 day, 1 hour, 1 minute at a time. You will get thru this too. It’s OK to curl up and sleep away as much as you want. Sometimes it’s all you can do for that moment. Write on a calendar on the day of march 24, “better days are here”. And when you finally flip to that day. It will be better.
    Best wishes from carol in Washington

  2. ugh definitely seems like an overwhelming month. i hope the time flies by for you and that the mountains of paperwork end up being less imposing than they currently seem!

  3. Sorry you’re in for such a rough month. One way or another the days will go by and for better or worse, 2016 will get here. In the mean time if you ever need more snuggles Val’s pasture buddies basically maul me for cuddles daily and I’m sure they’d be happy to show you some love.

  4. Oh, I love these photos… I hear you – and it doesn’t make it any easier that fall/winter are grey & pull us down even more. For me, it’s December: I still have our anniversary on my calendar every year, I can’t help it, but I try to remember that I couldn’t have lost something wonderful if I didn’t have something wonderful to lose. It’s a weird mobius strip argument, but it helps with my 5-minute increments of sort-of-life. A million hugs & I am glad to hear that you will get to have some GOOD changes to look forward to on the other side of the slog. <3

  5. I feel so awful that YOU feel so awful. I know this won’t solve any of your problems, but when I read this, it helped me to recognize when I was feeling anxious or depressed. It goes like this, ‘Anxiety is worrying about the future, and depression is worrying about the past.’

    That feeling of dread is anxiety over the uncertainty of your future. I know that when I recognized where anxiety comes from, it helped me to let it go as it’s just worry about what MIGHT happen. A friend once told me to quit borrowing trouble form the future. That’s pretty good advice. :0)

  6. Next time someone tells you there are better things to come. Laugh and ask them if they are smoking crack. Why Not? It might give everyone a much needed laugh.

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