This month was tougher than most, but one of the things that has surprised me throughout this grieving process is the extreme up and down of it all. I’ve jokingly diagnosed myself with grief induced bipolar disorder. That’s not to make light of a serious mental disorder, but more of the best way to describe how I’ve been feeling. Before all of this, I would consider myself a pretty even keeled individual.
Now the ranges that I feel throughout the days are a tad more extreme.
Sometimes I know what triggers an up or down swing, but more often than not it seems random. A friend told me months ago not to question the good days, but enjoy them… so that’s what I try to do.
This weekend, embracing the good feelings meant going out for Halloween. I’ve always been a fan of the holiday, but never exactly been good at costumes. Couple that with the fact that Tim hated dressing up and going out in crowds, and it had been many years since I properly celebrated Halloween. This year, I fixed that thanks to my dependable friends.
I’ve hinted at my costume here previously, but after a lot of planning and accessory shopping I pulled together a Pam Poovey costume. I daresay this was a role I was meant to have.
It was officially the first time in my life that I had more than one person enthusiastically recognize my costume, and it was pretty fun. I see now why people get really into Halloween and spend months planning out amazing costumes. Maybe I’ll be that kind of person in my new life?
Though it was fun, the weekend of Halloween distractions is over and I’m scoping out my levels of crazy for the rest of the month. I know there will be more things to celebrate, but that will be balanced by the times of feeling down. My down swings are a really mixed group of emotions that range from hopelessness to straight up depression, but when it’s just a feeling of sadness I know I’ll be okay. I don’t mind feeling sad because I miss Tim. That doesn’t scare me, because I know soon something else will fill up my heart again… even if it’s for a short time.
This grief bipolar feeling originally unsettled me greatly. Emotions that unpredictable and extreme made me feel utterly out of control, and I’ve been slow to accept that you can’t control everything in life. Talking my polarity over with a friend, she told me not to worry. “Lauren, you’ve always been dependably crazy.”
Even though November promises to be a bit easier for me to get through, I will depend on more ups and downs in the future. I’ll also depend on my humor, friends and the occasional cocktail to help get me through them.