Pause

Pause

As someone who likes to juggle a lot of things, I tend to be at my best when I’m multi-tasking like a mofo. It works for me. The busier my brain is, the more I can keep the crazy at bay. When I focus too much on one thing, well… I get a little crazy.

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At the beginning of last week I had some things in my life that I was really excited about. You’d think by now that I would have learned to keep my expectations in check, but I allowed myself to be thrilled. I allowed myself to imagine the fancy hunter and all the other potentially exciting things working out perfectly for me. I did this, because I figured I was due for a win.

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If anyone has seen Moulin Rogue (best movie), you’ll know that everything did not go so well. After the manic happy start to my week, things started unraveling and I got pretty down.

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This is a bit of a rambling post because my thoughts are rambling. I’ve got a lot of things bouncing around in my head right now like ping pong balls. My horse enthusiasm has taken a pretty serious hit. Austin is getting slammed with rain again which makes it easy for me to avoid going to the barn. If I’m being honest though, I just don’t feel like it right now. I spent the majority of my weekend drinking with friends or sleeping.

The other parts were spent writing. I’m through fourths a chapter that isn’t ever intended for the blog, and when I am in the middle of a piece for my book I have a hard time blogging in general. Right now I’d rather have my best brain power be put to the book than here (sorry readers).

It doesn’t help that I am nearing and passing several important milestones in my widow journey. Last week was the anniversary of our friend’s wedding, which is only important to me because it was the first time all of Tim’s friends realized that something was seriously wrong with him. Pictures from that day are the last ones I have of him and I where we’re dressed up and among friends, but I can’t even look at them because I can see in face how fucked up he was the entire time. How I didn’t realize what was happening then, I’ll never know.

Next week will be one year after his first overdose. The week after, a year after my life fell apart.

My mood is pretty melancholy whenever I spend a lot of time working on the book. Last night as I tuned out my feelings with sitcoms and pizza, I couldn’t shake a feeling that hangs with me today. My life now is probably better than it was the last few years of my marriage. It might even be better than I could have ever imagined in the future, but it’s so much harder.

I think I could be happier in the future than I was with him, and that’s scary. I might be happier, but my old life was so much easier.

While I work through some of this and get my horse mojo back, I’m hitting the pause button. Later this week I’ll head to North Carolina for a wedding with the same group of friends that we celebrated with last year while Tim was under the influence of god knows what. They’re the same friends who joined me in Asheville, and I’m hoping some time with them and my other friends/family will leave me feeling a bit more grounded. Right now I feel like I’m floating around mid-out of body experience.

32 thoughts on “Pause

  1. NC welcomes you back with open arms, wishing all the best for your next few weeks. I can’t know what you’re experiencing but I’m cheering for you all the same 🙂

  2. Hugs. Just from the peanut gallery, as someone who sees a lot of psych social stuff at work (and personally) I think while your old life felt easier you were on a hard, long journey anyways, you just hadn’t seen how steep the mountains were from the fog.

    Hope your friends keep you busy the next couple weeks, lots of mac n cheese and wine, or whatever your current comforts are. Come visit Cali, we have enough sunshine and vino for everyone.

    1. That’s a really interesting perspective/phrase, and it is very accurate. I guess sometimes it’s easy to wish for the “known evil” than it is to face something new. Of course now I’ve publicly called my late husband evil, so that furthers proves my crazy. 😉

      1. Kat is always good for an introspective one-two punch and she’s right, there’s much vino and love in CA with her crew of Karley, L and their ponies <3

  3. *big virtual hugs* You do what you need to do, the blog, and horses will always be around, waiting and ready and no one will blame you for stepping away from any or either for as long as you want. Your friends sound like a good group of people and I’m glad you’ll be able to be with them soon.

  4. Take whatever time you need to take, direct your energies where you see fit. Surround yourself with comforting food, friends and family. Horses and the blog aren’t going anywhere. It’ll all be here when you get back. Sounds like a lot to process over the next few weeks.

  5. First, Moulin Rouge <3

    Second, sometimes you just need to take a break and be sad, upset and introspective for a little while. Especially after the rollercoaster of emotions that you're dealing with.

    Third, giant internet hugs from an internet stranger.

  6. I feel like I am floating in emptyness right now. It isn’t a fun feeling. It is different than yours, but still a place where feelings get pushed aside. I wish I could bring you eternal mojo and happier feelings. And not looming ones.

  7. Hugs from CA! Like others said- do what you need and your blog peeps will be here when you come back 🙂 I hope you have a great time of your next few adventures with friends and family!

    I can’t say I know what you are feeling in your “fog” but know I have been in a “fog” of my own before and it’s just making it through one min at a time- I too liked to keep super busy during that time- it helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other.

  8. Best wishes.

    I guess it is possible be both happy and sad. Your husband wasn’t evil, just afflicted, but I am sure you know that.

  9. So I’ve never seen Moulin Rouge somehow! Wish I’d known to think of that when my husband was out of town this past weekend and I was just watching tons of hgtv, lol.

    I hope your trip to NC is cleansing and uplifting! Sometimes the company of great friends and some alcohol is the best medicine!

  10. “I think I could be happier in the future than I was with him, and that’s scary.”

    GIRL. This got me right in the feels. “I can relate” is an understatement. You have such a way with words.

  11. You know we will be here when you have things to share. Or even if you just have words you want to write here. But also especially if there happens to be a shiny fancy hunter to talk about. Bc damn I happen to think you are due too. Hugs girl and enjoy your travels and book writing!

  12. My favorite escape when I need to just chill out and get away from myself: Popcorn, a good bottle of wine, and “The Black Stallion”.

    Seriously

  13. I’m definitely on a pause right now. I always keep thinking after “such and such” happens life will be smooth sailing but I’ve kind of discovered that there is always going to be something in the way

  14. I love Moulin Rouge! It’s so fun and beautiful and sad. I remember I went to see it by myself at the theater and was blown away by how creative it was. I really knew nothing about it before I went. I bought the CD soundtrack and later the movie.

    I will be thinking about you these next few weeks.

  15. Moulin Rouge, so much love — “someday I’ll fly away…”

    Hard is…hard. But it sounds like very good friends continue to be there to help make more good moments. Be safe.

  16. I have much admiration for you for writing the book – to go back in time and relive those moments. I have attempted this myself for an experience I went thru, but I can’t get past a certain point.

    I appreciate your honesty when you share your feelings -thoughts are with you!

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