What It’s Like to Hack Simon

What It’s Like to Hack Simon

More than one equestrian blogger has hopped on Sir Simon pants, but most of y’all can just imagine his epicness. If you’ve ever been curious about the entire nerd horse experience, wonder no more!

You hop on, and enter the ring with loose reins.

Might I suggest a casual power walk? It is a lovely night for a power walk.

You walk a lap around the ring with loose reins, letting Simon stretch out a bit.

Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy.

Take up the reins some to get some contact at the walk.

Okay, it’s serious time. Better put on my serious face.


Simon slows down dramatically and curls his head down some. You apply more leg, but still ask for contact and for him to give at the bit.

You need head down while moving forward? But haaaaaaaaard. So haaaaaaaaard.

He flips his head some. More leg.

Fine. Dressaging now. I hope you’re happy.

You ask for the trot.


Simon gives you a lovely trot through the short side of the ring. When you approach the long side, he starts to speed up.

I think we can get from this end of the ring to THAT end of the ring much, much faster. I will show you. You will be really impressed about how fast I can trot.

You half halt with your seat and slow your post.

Do you insist?

You half halt with your reins and seat again.

Fine. Your way. Boring trot. You are not letting me live up to my full potential you know?


You approach a trot pole.

Jump? No. Blah.

Simon trots over the pole, scooting left as he goes over it.


You re-approach, and apply more left leg to keep him straight. He steps over the pole to the left again.

Yay! Leg! Faster! I STILL LOVE LEFT!

You trot the pole again, this time holding your right hand out like a short stirrup kid to keep him from drifting left.

Haaaaaaard. So hard. Straight and slow is hard hard hard. I can do this more creatively.


After the poles, you do some circles, serpentine and many changes of direction at the trot.

When Simon doin’ circles gonna drop it like it’s hot. Drop it like it’s hot. Drop that shoulder like it’s hot.

Time for a walk break. You down transition, and let Simon relax and walk around some. Simon sighs and looks around the ring.

I’m pretty much the best horse here. Poor other horses, not being me.

You pick up the reins and…


ask for lateral work at the walk.


You ask again at the walk, and Simon gives in and does some really nice side steps in his hind end.

This is hard, but I’m really good at it. You’re so lucky to have me.

After a few good passes, you pat him and then pick up the trot. You ask for the same exercise, but at the trot.


Lots of head tossing. You ask again.

Hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard so so so hard.


After an honest attempt you pet Simon and collect yourself to get ready to canter.


You canter around, working on sitting up and asking Simon to step under himself versus getting heavy.

Might we be jumping this crossrail? Might we jump that wall? I could totally jump that skinny. Oooo we’re turning, are we doing a ROLLBACK OF AMAZEBALLS? No? Cantering? Just cantering? Okay fine.

After some canter work, you decide you’re done for the night (because this blog post is getting long) and come back down to the walk. You pet Simon, and let him walk out on a loose rein around the property.

Another day, another dressagz. I will be so ready for Dressage at Devon next year.

28 thoughts on “What It’s Like to Hack Simon

  1. Haha hilarious. I don’t think my Wally is as enthusiastic at Simon, but maybe. I’ll listen closer during my next hack. 😉

  2. So much of this sounds exactly like Phoenix. Except Phoenix doesn’t get to jump more than an occasional tiny X several times a year (don’t think he has at all this year unless it was early on) so a ground pole is cause for much excitement and he must grab the bit and run to it. It makes me laugh every time even though he’s not being exactly good. Happy ponies are the best kind.

  3. My dressage lesson horse was a former jumper, and if there is even so much as a *rail* in the arena, on the ground, she will steer towards it like OMG AMAZEBALLS WE’RE GOING TO JUMP THIS MOTHEREFFER LIKE WE GOT WIIIIIIINGS.

    And then we do some half passes away from it and she gets SO POUTY.

  4. This is awesomely accurate, haha! Simon does have a very high opinion of himself doesn’t he? Although, I must admit that his reputation of amazeballs is very true and well-deserved

  5. I LOVE the way you wrote this article. I can just see and hear the interchanges going on. It made me chuckle many times. 🙂

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