I’m more aware than I’d like to be about how time can heal some wounds. For the past month or so, life has seemed quite a bit less hopeless as I try to heal from losing Simon. It’s reassuring, because immediately after he died I wasn’t sure if it ever would again. I’m glad I was wrong.
Of course the other side of grieving and healing that I’m also hyper aware of, is how
refusing to let go of your loved ones with a vide grip holding on can be both your super power and your hindrance. I’ve been holding on to Tim for a long, long time. This story coming to a memoir near you, but the short version is there has to be a balance between holding loved ones in our hearts and being able to look forward. I’m trying to balance things better after this second major loss.
One of the things I did with the amazing gift all my readers and friends gave me after Simon died was send his tail off to Ponylocks. I knew I wanted a simple bracelet to keep him with me, but also decided on getting a belt made as well. They arrived this weekend, and they’re absolutely stunning.
I didn’t expect to be so emotional when I opened these up, but holding “him” in my hand hit me right in the feels. I’ve been wearing the bracelet constantly, only taking it off to shower, and will occasionally rub my thumb over his coarse hair. I think this is the right kind of holding on.
I was also finally able to get the professional photos from our last show together, which included our big 2’6″ Medal Finals win. Looking at the photos last night, it felt like the epilogue to a memoir.
The thing I noticed the most wasn’t his cute jump (although adorable), but my huge smile in the photos.
I’ve never smiled this much at a horse show before. Not ever.
And yeah, it’s easy to assume it’s because of how well we did, but that joy is more than winning. That joy is the culmination of a six and a half year journey. A journey I thought would be longer, but was still one of the most defining relationships in my life.
Simon gave me confidence. He made me believe in myself. He let me trust again after my world completely bottomed out, and I thought I couldn’t trust anyone. He gave me everything he had.
And I just completely adored him.
I always will.
Literally while I was sitting on my patio crying over Simon’s horsehair mementos, UPS brought a second box out to me from SmartPak. No, it wasn’t filled with riding clothes or things for me. There are some treats, a salt lick, and a halter in there. Pending the drug panel results tomorrow, it might be part of the next chapter.
The best nerd horse, still my heart, is the one who inspired me to try again despite how heartbreaking horses can be. Because even without the blue sashes and victory gallops, even with the same painful ending, I would have made that journey with him again and again.