A big side effect of my grief has been compulsively wanting to reach out to people of my past that I’ve lost touch with. After all, there’s no better way to realize the frailty of life than staring at your 37 year old dead husband. It’s kind of like watching The Dead Poets Society on repeat for 100 years and condensing all of that into a 5 minute span. Carpe diem, folks. Carpe diem. Of course, a normal person might take…
I’ve said earlier that I love living alone, and that’s still true. Despite being happy living in my own dwelling with nothing but sometimes barfy dogs to keep me company, after several months of single apartment life I’ve discovered a few things. My relationship with cleaning has changed. Previously, I’ve been the kind of person who has a pretty high standard of living in fifth. Days and days would go by with the same dishes in the sink, and I’d…
I survived October! I’ve never been so happy to meet November before, with a lot of tough dates , memories and feelings behind me for a while. This month was tougher than most, but one of the things that has surprised me throughout this grieving process is the extreme up and down of it all. I’ve jokingly diagnosed myself with grief induced bipolar disorder. That’s not to make light of a serious mental disorder, but more of the best way to…
Last weekend, I traveled to Southern California for my best friend’s wedding. It was both my first wedding without Tim, and the most I’ve danced in my entire life. I’d be lying if I said I was quivering with excitement for this event. Logistically, I’ve been running around like a crazy person all month. The day I got back from North Carolina I had my estate court date, and two days after that I got up at 3:45am central to…
Today is Tim’s birthday. He would have been 37. Tim was never someone who got super excited or made a big deal out of birthdays. One year I threw him a birthday party at our house in Austin, but I wasn’t allowed to actually call it a birthday party. He reluctantly let me put out birthday napkins and plates, and he didn’t tell anyone he invited that it was his birthday. Guests were there for a few hours before realizing…
When moving forward in life alone, objects start to take on more significance than they’re supposed to. Often times these days, I feel like an anthropologist digging through the ruins of my own house. I was putting dishes away the other day, when I dropped a plate. It was a rogue saucer, a thick, mint green plate decorated with a brown bamboo pattern on it. Before I met him, Tim had picked up a set of four from the Asian market…
I survived the first anniversary without Tim. If they made widow merit badges, that would be a big one. Honestly, dreading the day was worse than the actual day. I knew it was going to be rough, so I scheduled a trip back to North Carolina to see family and friends. It was the first time I’d been back home since everything has happened, and I wasn’t sure how things would feel. When emotions can be rocky, I find food…
Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot. – Neil Gaimon If I wanted to, I could write this post super quickly. I’d say, “Remember what I said at three months? I take everything back.” I think it was a combination putting BT down and getting the toxicology results, but I was pretty wrecked for a few weeks. I had no motivation to do anything, and…