I always have a lot of words in my head. Sometimes they’re my own. When I decide that I’m going to write a blog post, especially something that tackles a broader, I’ll think about constructing the words days before in my head. Usually I’ll mentally picture an opening or closing line or phrase, and then muddle through the rest of the words in intangible flash phrases. These words are still unruly and wild when they gallop around my mind, but…
One of the habits I’ve built for my new self is keeping my nails painted. “Gee Lauren, that’s so shocking and revolutionary… why on earth are you telling me this?” you are probably thinking. The short answer is, I am stalling so I can tell you about more exciting things in the next few weeks. The longer answer is the following blog post, because I feel compelled to write about something. For most of my life, I’ve made a horrible (insert…
Over the holiday break, I spent 40 hours in the car with my two dogs. Long distance driving like that is no stranger to me. The first trip Tim and I ever took together was a trek from Raleigh, NC to New Orleans, LA with several stops along the way. Tim was the first person I met in life that didn’t think anything of throwing an overnight bag in his truck and hitting the road to far off places. He would…
I have been pushing and pushing towards the blank slate feeling that comes with this time of year. I wanted the events of my 2015 to be like a bad nightmare. In the dawn, I’d wake up from the dream. At first I’d be groggy and still in that place where you can’t tell horror from reality, but eventually I’d rub my eyes and begin to see the morning light. The mental scars from my dream would still be there, but they’d be…
My grandmother passed away on Monday afternoon. She was 90… or nearly 90… The age of death leaves the biggest impression when it is unreasonably young or exceptionally old. She was neither, but had a good run. A week and a half ago she had a massive stroke. At the time, they planned to move her to hospice and told my mother that she would never be responsive again. Of course my grandmother was an incredibly determined person, and decided to run away…
I recently finished the most relate-able book to my situation, The Mediocre Widow. There are lots of gems from this book that I could tell you about, but the topic I’m thinking about today is milestones. In her novel, Tidd talks about how widows will dread a milestone and be depressed about it far in advance. Often they aren’t even aware that they’re doing it, but many times when the day comes it’s not nearly as bad as all the time…
I am learning to live with the longing. Hours after Tim died, I sat on my back porch with a friend and the two county appointed crisis counselors. My friend rubbed my back and sat there, silently present until she needed to answer a question or wrangle my cell phone away from me. The crisis counselor sat in the chair across from me, leaning forward on her elbows with her hands clasped. I remember her voice was patient, and her…
Ever since I decided to stop wearing my wedding rings, I’ve been wondering what to do with them. It seems like an easy enough problem, but I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do. Part of this has to do with paperwork. After Tim gave me my engagement ring, it took him less than 24 hours to ask me if I wanted to know how much he spent on it. “NO! Why would I want to know that?”…