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Month: October 2015

Facing Shadows

Facing Shadows

I survived the first anniversary without Tim. If they made widow merit badges, that would be a big one. Honestly, dreading the day was worse than the actual day. I knew it was going to be rough, so I scheduled a trip back to North Carolina to see family and friends. It was the first time I’d been back home since everything has happened, and I wasn’t sure how things would feel. When emotions can be rocky, I find food…

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Four Months

Four Months

Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot. – Neil Gaimon If I wanted to, I could write this post super quickly. I’d say, “Remember what I said at three months? I take everything back.” I think it was a combination putting BT down and getting the toxicology results, but I was pretty wrecked for a few weeks. I had no motivation to do anything, and…

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10/17/2010

10/17/2010

We’ve got five years, stuck on my eyes We’ve got five years, what a surprise We’ve got five years, my brain hurts a lot We’ve got five years, that’s all we’ve got – “Five Years” by David Bowie Tomorrow is the five year anniversary of the best day. My only regret is that there doesn’t seem to be a picture of Tim’s groom cake, a vegan blue Doctor Who Tardis. As for the marriage and wedding stuff? I’d do that…

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Do You Like Ponies?

Do You Like Ponies?

As I’m sure you can imagine, I talk about horses a lot. My late husband, like most horse husbands, was subjected to his fair share of pony talk. Sometimes when I would start to rattle off about a lesson or horse show coming up, he would interrupt me with a straight face. “Wait a second – do you like ponies or hate ponies? I can never keep it straight.” Even though he did this often, it always made me smile….

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Can’t Kill the Bug

Can’t Kill the Bug

I have a little bug that I can’t kill. It’s not entirely unlike a virus. It doesn’t respond to antibiotics (or in my case, reason) and it has lived int he ecosystem of my brain for quite some time – dormant and waiting. I still want to do the hunters. I know, I know. My horse loves the jumpers, you say. We’ve done well in the jumpers, you add. Much progress has been made! All of this is true, but…

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Sir Simon Grumpypants

Sir Simon Grumpypants

October is supposed to be the best time to live in central Texas. You can expect mid 70’s to low 80’s during the day, and the nights feel like they just might be cold enough for a sweater. Everyone knows this, including Simon who is Texan born and bred. So can someone explain to me why we’re having temperatures in the mid 90’s? Saturday I went out to the barn in early afternoon to hack the pony. Right from the get…

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Home is Where the ? Is

Home is Where the ? Is

The two questions I heard the most after Tim died were “How are you doing?” and “Are you moving back to North Carolina?” I guess I shouldn’t have gotten annoyed at that second question, but it always rubbed me the wrong way slightly. “They” say not to make any big decisions in the first year (spoiler alert – I have already blown this rule in multiple ways) and the question always inferred to me that I would need to go…

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On the Side of a Mountain

On the Side of a Mountain

Six years ago tomorrow, I got engaged. We traveled a lot when we lived in New England. It was new territory to explore, and everything was so close that six hours in the car could get you somewhere new and exciting. When Tim pitched a weekend getaway in St. Johnsbury, VT my suspicions were aroused. I had desperately wanted to be engaged since we moved to MA a year earlier, but Tim always said that marriage didn’t make sense to him….

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