There Will Be A Time

There Will Be A Time

For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot

Tonight after work, I move into my new apartment. I’ve been dreading it.

At first I thought I dreaded the move because it was an apartment vs a house, but that’s not it. Honestly, it’s a pretty nice apartment and has a massive master closet. I could spend the entire 8 months there buying clothes and I still wouldn’t begin to fill that closet. Then I thought I hated the idea of moving because the apartment is located way north of where I live now. I live in a super cool area near downtown with tons of stuff within walking distance. I spent a little time mourning the loss of my cool neighborhood, but that wasn’t it either.

I’m dreading moving because I’m moving somewhere new without my husband.

Original sales photo - looks much different now
Original sales photo – looks much different now

It’s hard for me to put this into words, but being with Tim made the world seem attainable to me. I was scared to leave North Carolina, but him taking the leap with me to Massachusetts is the reason I was able to make that journey. Austin was even easier. When we packed up our Uhaul full of furniture to drive from MA to NC to MS to TX, I looked forward to that grueling road trip like a long awaited vacation instead of a massive chore.

I’ve never moved somewhere without being excited about it, but I just can’t get excited about this.

I’ve packed up all of my belongings in the way he taught me through our five moves together. Of course, the stuff isn’t just “mine” – a lot of it was ours. Lots of “his” stuff is coming with me, because I can’t imagine my kitchen without the really weird Hindu tray he picked up at a thrift shop before I knew him since it’s lived in every kitchen we’ve ever shared together. There are lots of little things like that. Bigger things have been sold on Craigslist, donated, yard saled and all shades inbetween. Some I wasn’t sad to see go… like the snow board that he never used in nine years together (including two winters spent in New England!) but most of it was painful and tedious to go through and dispose of. That chore still isn’t over yet either.

The most annoying project ever
The most annoying project ever

I have people going above and beyond to help me move, and for that I’m really grateful. I should be thinking about how lucky I am to have such caring people in my life. Really, I am lucky – many people who suffer tragedy don’t have the support that I do.

But right now I’m sitting in my house stacked full of moving tubberwares waiting to be hauled away, and I think about the first time we walked in the door when we were house shopping. The DIY shelves I made are empty, the stenciled bathroom needs to be cleaned and empty blue walls he painted stare back at me without their hanging pictures. There was a lot of happiness here, but a lot of sadness too. I won’t go into great descriptive detail about the images that are forever burned in my mind now.

I don’t feel lucky or grateful. I feel sad and alone and robbed of my happiness. The world is still open to me even without Tim. I know I can move forward and be on my own successfully, but I don’t want to.

I love this house, and I hate this house.

33 thoughts on “There Will Be A Time

  1. As someone who is immensely attached to their house, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Hopefully transitioning to the apartment will make some things easier for you.

  2. I’m so sorry, Lauren. Words don’t really seem like enough :/

    BTW that is my favorite poem, and I swear it is the best poem ever written.

  3. I’m so sorry. =( It really does suck. I really hate it for you and with you and I’m sad, too.

    But…yes…closet. The new, big closet.

    And a new shrine for Simon and his satin? Yes?

  4. While I love the house that my husband and I have made, I don’t know that I could live in it without him. It would be incredibly hard to leave but also incredibly hard to stay.

    Hugs, and look forward to the new closet!

  5. I hope your new move will come with new, happy memories to make. Not that anything should or will replace the memories of your house, but maybe there’s more to fill up than just a closet in your new place 🙂

  6. I can only imagine how sad this move is for you, it’s more than just a new place to live.

    And yes, I think filling that new giant closest should be your next project 🙂

  7. Yes. Ribbons everywhere! Ribbons=pretty=happy=perfect decorating medium… right.
    I’m sad for you, that you have to go through this. But also happy, you’re moving forward into brand new adventures. Hugs.

  8. TS Eliot is the man. I first discovered him rooting through a closet of my dad’s college textbooks… he was an English major. The way he says things is just so right! And you are totally justified in feeling all the feelings about your move… all the happy and sad and pain and hope at the same time.

    DEFINITELY go all 12-year-old-girl with your horse show ribbons and pictures!! DO IT!

  9. Places have always been very meaningful to me, and it’s hard not to associate a place where I knew someone or was in a relationship with someone with that person. It’s like an imprint of the time with them is left there. I’ve been in those situations where no matter how little you want to, you have to break away from that memory residue to create new memories and live with a mind to the future. That’s a hard thing to do, especially because some part of you (or at least me) doesn’t want to leave those painful memory jolts behind. It’s like picking at a scab, and you can’t stop.

    Take a deep breath. Leaving the house behind won’t take away your memories with Tim, nor will discount the time you had together or how much you still love and miss him. Instead, it’s going to allow you to control those memories and remember Tim in a more positive way.

    Plus, closets. Duh.

  10. Hugs to you! Maybe half of that walk-in closet can be an at-home tack room! We had huge walk in closets when we lived in San Antonio, I don’t think I took up even half the space. I wanted to turn it into a Bunny Playland, but we had a spare bedroom that became their space so it wasn’t needed.

  11. I just wrote a post very similar to this, except I’m sure what I’m feeling is magnified about 10,000 times for you. And that is just miserable. I am so very sorry. I wish I could fly to Texas and take you out and we could cry together.

  12. In my ongoing effort to be POSITIVE I’m going to say you will LOOOOOVE having a big closet and no maintenance will be nice too. There’s something to be said for just accepting the colors of the walls because you can’t change them anyway.

  13. I know it doesn’t seem it, but you’re really handling things well. I know you’re tired of hearing that. And I know it doesn’t feel like it. But you can see that it’s ok to mourn. And like you said, the world is open to you without Tim. You’re not ready to jump into that world yet. And that’s totally ok. When you’re ready, the world will be there. With open world arms.
    In the meant time. Good luck with the move! I’m glad you have so much support. And I’m completely jealous of the new closet!

  14. So man y hugs to you on what I’m sure will be a long day. Try to focus on making your new place a new adventure, and knowing that so many people care about you!

  15. Here’s hoping all those good memories follow you to your new home, and those bad ones get left behind.

    Also, giant closet.

  16. I completely understand. I moved my girls and our stuff out almost two years ago. It was pretty easy, went pretty quick and I’m not sorry about it at all. I knew if we stayed, his parents would have kicked us out anyways as they supported their son the felon.

    What I do miss is having our own place and having the horses out back with turnouts. At least it gives me something to look forward to in the near future.

    I’m jealous of the closet. I could probably fill it right now, without going shopping… lol

  17. Man.. I know that your move was a decision you had to make rather quickly… that hurts me. I don’t know what’s better – ripping the bandaid quickly or slowly – in this case. I am thinking of you, and still read every single one of your posts in awe of who you are, and the strength you have. Good luck with this new chapter, and this new journey, and let’s just keep thinking about that fricken awesome closet. <3

  18. there isn’t much that overwhelms me more than even the merest *thought* of moving. i’m glad you have so much help – and i hope it makes the process as painless as humanly possible, and that once it’s over it won’t feel so bad anymore (esp bc wow that closet sounds amazing!)

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