I’m pretty cocky, and somewhat vain. These are facts, and also driving factors behind me having a blog like this. Throw Pinterest into the mix and we’re going to have an interesting situation. See, Pinterest is pretty much just a collection of viral posts… and I want my blog to have a viral post.
I want bazillions of internet hits, damnit.
Last night, I figured my way to success with this would be an easy to make, tasty, and extremely low calorie recipe. I’m a good cook (see above cocky statement), so I thought this would be easy. I also own a nice camera, and we all know that’s all it takes to make a cooking post go viral – Decent Recipe + Great Pictures = Internet famous.
It all started innocently enough. I was going to create pizza muffin cups, but not just regular pizza muffin cups – super low cal pizza muffin cups. I took a picture of my ingredients – but not chopped up all pretty like they do in real food blogs, I just plopped my less than stellar looking in ingredients on the counter. I took a picture of my messy kitchen so I could show that I am easy to relate to. My messy kitchen would show that I’m real and just like you (God I’m so pretentious sometimes). For your sake, I hope you don’t have an agave plant that’s currently trying to grow into your peanut butter.
I even took a picture of chopped Cauliflower in a food processor. Who doesn’t know what chopped cauliflower looks like?
I was so busy taking pictures that I didn’t take several key points into account.
- I was trying to veganize Cauliflower Pizza Crust, something that is held together by mere faith and egg whites
- Pizza sauce has shit tons of sugar in it, that’s why it’s tasty
- Fat free cheese is not edible. Period. Shoe leather is more appealing
But at this point I wasn’t taking these things into account. I also wasn’t taking into account that the cauliflower crust still seemed gushy the first time I took it out of the oven (and the second!) but surely it would ‘set’ later – right? I was too busy congratulating myself for this amazing food blog that I was going to create to notice that this recipe was seeming less and less successful the more pictures I snapped.
I kid you not – I even wondered how people would react when they came to the viral Pin’s original source and discovered it wasn’t a food blog. How would they react?
They would probably react no better than I did when I took these bad boys out of the oven. Instead of tasty, crispy pizza bites with 200 calories or less – I had squishy (somewhat raw) mashed cauliflower with not-doctored-enough tomato paste on top, followed with some canned artichoke heart, overly processed turkey pepperoni and a thick coating of
tile grout fat free mozzarella.
You’re welcome Pinterest fans and food blog readers everywhere. You are welcome.