The post about my cooking disaster

The post about my cooking disaster

I’m pretty cocky, and somewhat vain.  These are facts, and also driving factors behind me having a blog like this.  Throw Pinterest into the mix and we’re going to have an interesting situation.  See, Pinterest is pretty much just a collection of viral posts… and I want my blog to have a viral post.

I want bazillions of internet hits, damnit.

Last night, I figured my way to success with this would be an easy to make, tasty, and extremely low calorie recipe.  I’m a good cook (see above cocky statement), so I thought this would be easy.  I also own a nice camera, and we all know that’s all it takes to make a cooking post go viral – Decent Recipe + Great Pictures = Internet famous.

It all started innocently enough.  I was going to create pizza muffin cups, but not just regular pizza muffin cups – super low cal pizza muffin cups.  I took a picture of my ingredients – but not chopped up all pretty like they do in real food blogs, I just plopped my less than stellar looking in ingredients on the counter.  I took a picture of my messy kitchen so I could show that I am easy to relate to.  My messy kitchen would show that I’m real and just like you (God I’m so pretentious sometimes).  For your sake, I hope you don’t have an agave plant that’s currently trying to grow into your peanut butter.

I even took a picture of chopped Cauliflower in a food processor.  Who doesn’t know what chopped cauliflower looks like?

I was so busy taking pictures that I didn’t take several key points into account.

  • I was trying to veganize Cauliflower Pizza Crust, something that is held together by mere faith and egg whites
  • Pizza sauce has shit tons of sugar in it, that’s why it’s tasty
  • Fat free cheese is not edible.  Period.  Shoe leather is more appealing

But at this point I wasn’t taking these things into account.  I also wasn’t taking into account that the cauliflower crust still seemed gushy the first time I took it out of the oven (and the second!) but surely it would ‘set’ later – right?  I was too busy congratulating myself for this amazing food blog that I was going to create to notice that this recipe was seeming less and less successful the more pictures I snapped.

I kid you not – I even wondered how people would react when they came to the viral Pin’s original source and discovered it wasn’t a food blog.  How would they react?

They would probably react no better than I did when I took these bad boys out of the oven.  Instead of tasty, crispy pizza bites with 200 calories or less – I had squishy (somewhat raw) mashed cauliflower with not-doctored-enough tomato paste on top, followed with some canned artichoke heart, overly processed turkey pepperoni and a thick coating of tile grout fat free mozzarella.

You’re welcome Pinterest fans and food blog readers everywhere.  You are welcome.

3 thoughts on “The post about my cooking disaster

  1. I love you. Seriously. Love.

    Also I have been waiting dor a concise explanation of what this “pininterest” is forever. Your the first person to sum it up smashingly well.

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