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Tag: widow

Elastic Heart

Elastic Heart

This whole “rebuilding my life” process isn’t going as smoothly as I hoped it might. Partially I blame grief, but when you grieve as long and as deep as I have it’s easy to blame grief for everything. Grief is like just getting out of the shower on a cold morning when the heat hasn’t kicked on yet, and someone throws a towel over your head. You’re wet and cold. You can’t see anything because there’s a fucking towel over your…

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20 Months

20 Months

I hate it when people refer to ages in weeks or months. Like why are babies “61 weeks” instead of a year? I’ll break my own rule and say it’s been 20 months since Tim died. That’s less than two years, more than a year and a half. Every month seems important, so I count them. Maybe it’s the same for weeks with babies. Maybe we measure massive growth in the most finite unite possible. It’s surprising to me how much…

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Eighteen Months

Eighteen Months

In a week I’ll turn 32. This time last year, I just wanted my 30th year to be over. I figured no matter what, 31 would be better than 30… and it has been better. Now I apprehensively approach my birthday, and I can’t help thinking that I feel old these days. There is so much behind me at this point, and even more hiding in the blurry future beyond my peripheral. When Tim first died, I thought time would bring…

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The Not-Anniversary Anniversary

The Not-Anniversary Anniversary

I wasn’t going to write about my anniversary yesterday. Last year when everything was fresher, I had dreaded that day and what I should do with it. This year since so much more time has passed, I figured it was just another day. When I woke up Monday morning, I mentally passed the celebration away from my wedding and back towards my friend who’s birthday is the same day. She was in my wedding, and we all joked that I threw…

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Suddenly Single In Your 30’s Club

Suddenly Single In Your 30’s Club

We all know what happened to me, it blows. Lately some people in my social group g have been admitted into the “Didn’t Expect I Would Be Single In My 30’s WTF Will I Do With My Life Now Please Pass the Wine” club, though they joined through divorce versus death. Now even though I do not suggest anyone out there become a widow (I rate this experience 0 out of 5 stars), I’ve said from day one that I would…

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One Year

One Year

A prayer You who I don’t know how to talk to anymore. You whose body comes to me in a dream only to be gone as soon as I say your face, your mouth, your arms, your breasts, your feet. What happens when you die? The broken light switch in the kitchen, the doorknob glistening in the saucer by the window. How can you get in? This solitude, no match for your solitude, which must want to be sung again in…

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Pause

Pause

As someone who likes to juggle a lot of things, I tend to be at my best when I’m multi-tasking like a mofo. It works for me. The busier my brain is, the more I can keep the crazy at bay. When I focus too much on one thing, well… I get a little crazy. At the beginning of last week I had some things in my life that I was really excited about. You’d think by now that I…

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Five Months

Five Months

I am learning to live with the longing. Hours after Tim died, I sat on my back porch with a friend and the two county appointed crisis counselors. My friend rubbed my back and sat there, silently present until she needed to answer a question or wrangle my cell phone away from me. The crisis counselor sat in the chair across from me, leaning forward on her elbows with her hands clasped. I remember her voice was patient, and her…

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The Thing With the Ring

The Thing With the Ring

Ever since I decided to stop wearing my wedding rings, I’ve been wondering what to do with them. It seems like an easy enough problem, but I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do. Part of this has to do with paperwork. After Tim gave me my engagement ring, it took him less than 24 hours to ask me if I wanted to know how much he spent on it. “NO! Why would I want to know that?”…

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The Adventures That Unfold

The Adventures That Unfold

Last weekend, I traveled to Southern California for my best friend’s wedding. It was both my first wedding without Tim, and the most I’ve danced in my entire life. I’d be lying if I said I was quivering with excitement for this event. Logistically, I’ve been running around like a crazy person all month. The day I got back from North Carolina I had my estate court date, and two days after that I got up at 3:45am central to…

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Four Months

Four Months

Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot. – Neil Gaimon If I wanted to, I could write this post super quickly. I’d say, “Remember what I said at three months? I take everything back.” I think it was a combination putting BT down and getting the toxicology results, but I was pretty wrecked for a few weeks. I had no motivation to do anything, and…

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10/17/2010

10/17/2010

We’ve got five years, stuck on my eyes We’ve got five years, what a surprise We’ve got five years, my brain hurts a lot We’ve got five years, that’s all we’ve got – “Five Years” by David Bowie Tomorrow is the five year anniversary of the best day. My only regret is that there doesn’t seem to be a picture of Tim’s groom cake, a vegan blue Doctor Who Tardis. As for the marriage and wedding stuff? I’d do that…

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