My Ideal Horse Show

My Ideal Horse Show

As you know, I’ve been thinking a lot about horses and horse showing lately. While a lot of this has been deep and theoretically, I have decided something concrete – I need to host a horse show. I’m thinking a low key, no thrills event with satin as long as our torsos since everything is better with amazing ribbons.

Location to be determined, but I wanted to toss out my tentative divisions to y’all and get some feedback!

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I’m Over 30, Work Full Time and Can’t Remember My Courses Jumpers
Your entire course will be read by the announcer as you jump it, and there’s no jump off because we recognize it’s completely irrational to ask someone to remember two back to back courses.

Lead Change Optional Hunters
Horses will not be penalized for lack of changes. May do simple changes or just canter on the wrong lead ’cause aint nobody got time for trotting.

Isn’t my horse pretty? Hunter Model
Handler is given 90 seconds to narrate about why said horse is pretty. Standing optional. Glitter encouraged.

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I Sometimes Do Flatwork and Call it Dressage Freestyle Dressage
Rider is given 3 minutes to display their dressagz. No letters. All sideways movement counts as “Half passing”. Leaning forward and long reins encouraged.

That Oxer Looks Big So Let’s Make it a Crossrail Hunters
Fences set to 2’6″ or not depending on how much adult amateur owner panics when approaching the ingate. This division has a surcharge which is used to tip jump crew.

Jumper Hunters
Hunter courses with hunter heights, but judged like a jumper class. Perfect for the changeless speedy horse who’s owner can’t memorize a course. Can cross enter into “I’m Over 30, Work Full Time and Can’t Remember My Courses Jumpers”

Cross Country is the Good Part Event Derby
To be held in the field. No dressage or stadium.

Flat Classes Are Too Crowded Un-crowded Flat Class
Riders hack in groups of two to avoid traffic jams. To be held in third ring and expected to run until 11pm.

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Make sure to let me know what y’all think. Are there any of these you’d enter your horse in? I’d like to start planning right away! ๐Ÿ˜‰

100 thoughts on “My Ideal Horse Show

  1. Oh hai. I would like to enter “I Sometimes Do Flatwork and Call it Dressage Freestyle Dressage”. We will half pass all over dat bitch. Plz take all my cash monies. Kthnkxbai.

    1. Also, shadbellies should be allowed for this class. And double bridles. Because otherwise most of us will never have the chance to use either!

  2. XC only and flatwork I call dressage, and the can’t remember my course, and and and…. I think this sounds like a great first foray into showing for Griffin and I!

  3. Can there be a “I’m a nervous ammy and don’t want to be beat by those f**king adorable pony kids” ammy only classes?

  4. I’m also thinking maybe a Grand Prix Ground Poles class would be good for those with horses who are only sort-of sound or on recovery…

    1. Love this one. I’d like to add a class to the division… My Horse Needs a Chiropractic Adjustment After Every Pole.

    1. Followed by the My Horse is Going to be a Jumper but the Jumper Classes start at 2’6″ and she’s only going 2′ Hunter Class.

  5. I have a couple more:

    My Horse Is Too Crippled to Jump That, Can I Borrow Yours?

    And, horse-free, Vet Bills & Radiographs – highest bill wins a handle.

  6. Oooooo pick me!! I would do Hunter Model and OWN the glitter, Dressage freestyle (who knew I could half pass already?!), and most definitely That Oxer Looks Big, plz set to ground poles kthxbai. This show is MADE for me.

  7. How about: Baby Horse Pick Your Own Course! I mean I’m pretty sure dail can win ribbons if we don’t have to jump the ones he’s afraid of!

  8. Great Idea!!!! How about a vertical only jumper class??? I’ll jump 1.50 m if they are all verticals! It’s the oxers that make me slightly terrified when I walk my courses

  9. Perfect!

    Except the only class for me would be I’m Still At Home Because My Horse Won’t Get On The Trailer.

    Ribbons would be mailed post show.

  10. We need a Mulligan class where if you don’t like a jump you just did, you get to go back and redo it with no penalty.

    Also, “Flat Class for Non-Traditional Hunters Who Aren’t Great Movers (to be divided by percentage of knee action)”

    and Drinking Backwards Puissance: You ride a fence, have a drink, rinse, repeat. You knock a rail and the fence gets lowered. Last person to be upright on the horse wins.

    1. Flat class idea could perhaps be “Carriage-less Carriage Driving” ? Knee movement encouraged.

      That reverse Puissance is perhaps the most amazing idea I’ve ever heard of. You should co-host this thing with me.

      1. one more vote for the reverse puissance.
        Also, I would think a “sensory deprivation” ring would be nice for some of these divisions. No crowd. No kids dropping soda bottles down the bleachers, no loud speaker, no weird shadows. Just a quiet, empty ring with a non-frightening judge’s booth. Maybe some white noise going to cover up the sounds of the Reverse Puissance class outside….

  11. I’m definitely Flat Classes Are Too Crowded Un-crowded Flat Class or Too Scared To Go the Pace So Let’s do All The Adds!

  12. I would be champion in the “14yr old and still Green OTTB with A/O” Division. W/T On the flat, over poles/tiny cross rails, and group canter without falling off

  13. How about a “George Morris Would Have A Heart Attack” eq class? First place goes to whichever rider makes it on COTH’s “Missed it Mondays” post.

  14. I would like to add a “My Horse Thinks He’s A Grand Prix Dressage Horse But He’s Really Just Throwing A Tantrum and Won’t Go Forward” where trotting in place and in circles are really just passage and pirouettes and also “My Test May Be A Hot Mess But I Look Fabulous” class to be judged on rider’s ability to rock an outfit while their horse completely ignores their aids!

  15. I will 100% come down and enter this show. Sign me up for “Cross Country is the Good Part Event Derby” on Moe and “Isnโ€™t my horse pretty? Hunter Model” with Gina. ๐Ÿ˜›

  16. This might be the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard! I think you should add ‘I love eventing but open space is terrifying, all jumps in safely fenced flat pasture’ division!

  17. Okay, I’ve been saving these for when I finally get to hold my own show….

    Petrified Stirrup division-fences 12″ high open to riders visibly shaking at the in gate.

    Dress-age class, whatever usdf test you like, rider and/or horse must be wearing a dress

    Eventerodeo-for the green or naughty horses that have at some point been told they would make good Eventers due to lack of manners, too much speed, or airs above ground. Winner is whoever is still on their horse when they all decide to start the rodeo section.

  18. Haha! Love this so much! I may not be able to ship Tucker down but I’ll come down by myself just to watch and cheer everyone else on.

  19. Iโ€™m Over 30, Work Full Time and Canโ€™t Remember My Courses Jumpers! I’m not over 30 but I cant rmemebe courses for anything haha! This was great.

  20. Needs to be a series. Series Super Grand Champion High Point Ribbons with 4 colors. Series Prize Saddlepads monogrammed with MIHS. Jackets. Coolers. People coolers – filled with the beverage of your choice, to be shared with everyone else at the inevitable end-of-series banquet. Sign me up!

  21. Holy F. I think this wins as funniest blog post of all time – comments included. My co-worked just asked why I was laughing so hard.

  22. I really, really need this show to actually happen. I would drop everything in my life to attend it.

  23. Cute-dressaghz, no penalty for missing markers or movements, just extra points for cuteness, would be of special interest to those riding welsh cobs (me, cob jockey, pony express) Haffies (wyvern oaks, go paddy), gorgeous drafty ones (I is Roxie) and Arabs (Speedy). Feeding treats during the test actively encouraged!

  24. I have always wanted “The Perfect Single Jump” where you enter the ring, do a lazy canter circle, do 1 perfect crossrail, and then depart the arena on whatever damn lead you happened to land on.

  25. These are hilarious and win the internet.
    When we invite the Quarter Horses, I vote for the additions of things like: Showmanship Without Trotting Because I Don’t Run, One Lead Change Western Riding for those of us who have horses who decide to buck when asked for > 1 in a 10 minute span, Audience Participation Reining (to count your spins), Bovines on Bendryl Working Cowhorse (the only way I can work one), and GPS Guided Trail, complete with tour guide announcers.

  26. I’m in for jumpers and cross rail hunters. If you’re offering a prize for division champions, can it be wine?

  27. This is SO my kinda horse show! Perhaps a class called “My Horse is Old and Off But We Can Gimp Around A Bit” would be good, too. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Brilliant!

  28. hahahaha I’m sure my horse would love a dressage test like that!! I’m down for that as well as the cross country. OH what the heck, I’ll sign up for all the things!! lol

  29. Yes please! We can host this at my farm. Rio will win Isn’t My Horse Pretty. And I think Jamp would enjoy the jumper hunters. Because running away is FUN!
    If we host at my farm, there for sure will need to be a Sit-A-Spook class. Similar to sit a buck, but instead of holding a dollar under your leg, you just have to stay on while riding the long side where my neighbor likes to make noise.

  30. but what about the door prizes?!?! obviously there needs to be special attention paid to “loudest whinny on grounds” (dbl points for duration and frequency), and perhaps some kiddy-esque games of “Limbo – How Low Can You Go” and “Pick Up Sticks” lolz

  31. Oh my god this so awesome. I don’t have a pony right now but I would totally come down and judge or steward or volunteer at registration or something just to be there for the hilarity!

  32. Lauren, seriously if you could convince your barn or a barn to host an event like this and have it be a charity horse show, I think people would be interested and come. I know I would!

  33. Oh if only I were close enough. Totally into the jumper hunters and over 30 and can’t remember my courses, with a little unbusy flat class thrown in if I can catch my breath…

  34. First off I too am a widow. A young one at that. I admire your strength. Second I would like a class where everyone can announce at entering the arena their precious pony was in pony finals over 10 years ago and is a pretty pretty pony. Also a class where we discuss loudly what a cute tuck the horse has and what a pretty mover said horse is. Hopefully near the judge. Ribbons would be adorned with my little ponies and lots of sparkle.

  35. How about a special class for “Amateurs Who No Longer Fit into their Show clothes and Don’t Want to Spend a Fortune on them for one Walk-Trot ‘Rehab’ Schooling Show Class?”

  36. I’m entering, have you posted the prize list yet? : )
    Can there be a class where everyone get’s a blue ribbon? I think that will be my only fighting chance!

  37. Can you please add “my horse is too broken to jump, but we like to dress up like jumpers to do canter poles?” Bonus points for open fronts boots that look like knockoff fancy ones.

  38. I think if this were to actually happen, you might be surprised at how many people would come….!!

  39. Amazing:
    Cross Country is the Good Part Event Derby
    To be held in the field. No dressage or stadium.
    Sounds like you should be apart of our fun shows at Scissortail!

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