I knew I would change after Tim died. I’ve blogged about it. I’ve thought about it at length and talked about it a little with friends. Despite all of those conversations, I can’t tell you exactly how I’ve changed in great detail. As we head into fall, I’ve begun to realize that these changes have affected my horse world.
One of the ways I got through the worst of my grief was throwing myself into projects to distract myself from the cruelties of reality. You might recognize some of these projects like my horse coloring book etsy store or even just getting through all the logistics of death. My brain is a very logical, rational place at times and it helped me to divide and conquer when I needed a break for my own feelings.
Diving into horse shopping was perhaps another way to distract myself. What is more exciting than perusing all the pretty ponies, getting stressed over vet checks and into the “getting to know you phase”? Those things can be all consuming, which is great to someone who wants an escape from their grief. However now things are starting to normalize for me, and I wonder… did I take on too much?
Perhaps the biggest part of this equation is something that’s been heavy on my mind but not on the blog, and that’s finances. I’m still getting used to living on a single income. Without having to spill out the financial details of my marriage, let’s just say I went through an abrupt change when I lost Tim last summer when it comes to that. We all know this is an expensive sport, especially when you add horse showing into the mix. I’ve got everything covered to keep one horse in a very limited training/showing capacity, but that’s it. I’m juggling both right now with some creative means, but it won’t last forever.
Right now when I go watch the hunter ring at a horse show, it feels like a world I won’t be able to afford again for a long time. The horses who are winning cost three times my max shopping budget, and going to all the shows that they point chase for would eat up half my annual salary. Whether I like it or not, that’s just not going to happen for me in my current situation. I’ve had my head in the sand a bit about nothing changing with my horse world after losing Tim, but denial doesn’t change fact.
At the end of the day, I want it… but I don’t want it enough right now. I’m not willing to be the adult amateur that’s working an extra job and spending all her free time at the barn riding the green bean horse through all the crap they throw at you. I want the horse that’s already going, the help of my trainer at all times and my cushy horse budget back to pay for it all.
Right now I have a mixture of feelings about all of this. I pout sometimes when I think about all the things I can’t do right now with horses, but the reality is that I own a kick ass heart horse that I’ll be able to keep indefinitely so I choose to focus on that. Plus my wild card new horse isn’t a bad guy, and right now I’ve got means to turn him into something… even if it’s on a ticking clock. Above it all is a layer of guilt, because I feel like I should want it more. I should want it enough to sacrifice like I used to, but I don’t. I guess that’s one of those intangible changes that’s happened to me and is now coming to the surface.