If I Had Words

If I Had Words

If I had words to make a day for you,
I’d sing you a morning golden and new.
I would make this day last for all time –
Give you a night deep in moonshine.

– Scott Fitzgerald

I wish I could write about how happy Simon was when I rode him the other night. We just walked around mostly, a mix of floppy reins and bending/collection. The little trot we did do felt nice and sound, so I am officially starting the slow process of ramping him back up to full work.

I wish I could write about my new slightly fantastic TS retro hunter green breeches, or the equally fabulous retro “American Thoroughbred” One Horse Thread shirts I bought during a mini #treatyoself week. Or even the Ovation helmet I picked up for schooling, because I decided I couldn’t handle riding in a non-vented CO during any more 100 degree Texas days.

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So. Awkward.

I would write about those things, and y’all would like it… but I’m tired.

I’m tired of my job. I’m tired of all this shit. I’m tired of my family reading this blog and getting emotional because I’m emotional. I’m tired of some of my best friends being 2,000+ miles away. I’m tired of people saying, “I can’t imagine…” when what they really mean is, “I’m so glad this isn’t happening to me.”

I’m tired of alternating between feeling completely hopeless and almost manic with crazy spurts.

I’m tired of all of this.

Maybe next week I will be stronger, but not today.

27 thoughts on “If I Had Words

  1. Love that song. Of course it reminds me of Babe, but the sentiment is so sweet. It’s silly, but it always makes me tear up a bit.

    Hoping you find some solace and quiet soon. Very much hoping you get a 3 day weekend this week!

    1. <3 Babe. I actually skated to the instrumental music of this piece for my very last competition routine! It's always been one of my favorites, and makes me tear up (or sob uncontrollably.. ya know, same thing) too.

  2. *hugs* It’s part of the roller coaster. If you want to get away, you’re welcome to come spend an afternoon in our Pecan grove trails. My trainer has some pretty PRE mares that like to trail ride 🙂

  3. I wish I could just sort of take this from you for a day, to give you a break. You know, like pet-sitting, only it would be grief-sitting. Doesn’t quite work that way though. So I’ll just say I love your ROOTD, and I’m really happy Simon-pants is sound, and I hope you have some good times with the dogs this weekend. (Also it’s weird for me when a family member says something about my blog, or comments on it. So I’ll multiply that feeling by about 100 and get an idea of where you’re at with that I guess.)

      1. I love the idea of grief-sitting. Wish I could help.

        You don’t have to be stronger, L. You just have to be. Hang in there.

        1. (My policy is that I didn’t care if family members, etc., read my blog. I just didn’t want to hear/know about it!)

  4. It’s easy when you’re in a good place, when you’re happy and life is sunshine and rainbows. Those are good feels that we want to have and practice often. What you have and are dealing with are not good feels. I’m sure there are good moments. But there’s a a lot to make you tired. A lot of crap that most people don’t practice dealing with and therefore aren’t equipped when the bad happens. So go on and keep sharing the good and the bad. How else will you sort things out. It’s ok to be tired, it’s part of the process.

  5. You’re allowed to be tired of all those things. And it’s ok to treat yourself and enjoy those treats.
    In other topics… doesn’t it feel like coming home when you can climb back on your horse again? I’m glad he’s feeling better.

  6. I don’t have words and I can’t make it better and I’m glad it’s not happening to me, but none of that changes that I admire you as a person and support you as a friend, regardless of what you’re going through.

    And no, you don’t have to do today if you don’t want to. Have some chocolate and netflix and call it mutt-snuggle-mas.

  7. You learn something every day…I never knew the beloved Babe song was actually Fitzgerald! You guys both look so content in those photos. There’s something about that beautiful sunset light as well. Bon courage, as we say in French!

  8. Guuuuuuurl, I haven’t made it through this (relatively) hot Seattle summer without the vented helmet. You are awesome/nuts for making it through Texas summer without it.

  9. I just started following your blog and am so sorry to see what happened. I lost my dad last November the same way… Some days kick you in the butt but time has made it easier to cope with! Admire you for being able to write about it!

  10. You’re my fashion icon. You and Olivia (who rides dragon mare). You both have the green breeches and I now want them too. And I recently ordered the TB shirt (Thanks to Me Jump Pretty’s suggestion). I know you’re hurting and I don’t mean to minimize that one bit, but your #ROOTD was spectacular. Keep riding and writing and taking it one day at a time. You’re strong and brave.

  11. Your outfit is on point, as is your honesty. Wish I was closer so I could give you hugs and a punching bag. Emotions frustratingly have to run their course, know that we are all here for you, in whatever way you need that to be.

  12. Your outfit is on point, as is your honesty. Wish I was closer so I could give you hugs and a punching bag. Emotions frustratingly have to run their course, know that we are all here for you, in whatever way you need that to be.

  13. You are allowed to grieve, to NOT be okay, to fail at life some (ok, most) days. You are allowed to be angry–at yourself, at Tim, at well-wishers that haven’t a clue what to say.
    You are not allowed to set any sort of timetable as to when you will be done grieving. You are not allowed to give up believing that things will ever feel “normal” again.
    You are some sort of kick ass ninja, bc not everyone would be as functional as you have been. Thank you, that is all.
    Amy

  14. When I say “I can’t even imagine” what I actually mean is “I would like to feel empathy for you, but I can’t because the losses that I have suffered are not the same as the one that you are going through”

    And sometimes there are no words. Hugs!!!

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