I have body clipped twice in my adult life, which means I’m pretty much an expert. Thus I present to you this detailed tutorial.
Step 1: Frantically try and find clippers to use on your only good day available to body clip before the show. Grovel. Make promises of trading alcohol for clipper use.
Step 2: Have jumping lesson to “tire horse out” which really tires you out instead. Jump very large. Watch lower leg say ‘bye bye’ over anything past 2’9″. Resolve to do no stirrups until you can no stirrup no more.
Step 3: Wash horse. Make special care to forget to thoroughly scrub area above tail/haunches. Regret this later.
Step 4: Wait for horse to dry.
Step 4b: Watch lessons while you wait for horse to dry.
Step 4c: Clean cobwebs off front of stall and hang blankets while you wait for horse to dry.
Step 5: Spray your now dry horse in showsheen. Realize you sprayed too much showsheen, and wait for horse to dry again.
Step 6: Remove hairs.
Step 7: Do not be tempted to do clip designs. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Step 8: Repeat Step 6 x1000000000000.
Step 9: Take lunch break. Decide that a margarita will help motivate you to finish clip job.
Step 10: The Margarita was a terrible mistake.
Step 11: Go back to barn. Realize your face & leg clippers are busted, and only clip at the closest setting. Scalp some of your horse’s check with a skin close cut. Trim legs remarkably close.
Step 12: Forget to untie a cross tie when you go to twitch horse. Commence freakout. Break crosstie and hurt yet another finger.
Step 13: Turn out horse to admire clip job.
Step 14: Realize your horse needs a sheet now that he’s hairless. Chase horse around pasture to put sheet on. Watch horse laugh at you.
Step 15: Say goodnight to horse. Go home and drink wine after 8 hours at the barn.