Halfway

Halfway

It was almost a month ago that I updated everyone on how the keto diet was going, and even though that was only three blog posts ago (lord I need to post more!) I’m back this morning with more. At the end of last week, I hit 25 lbs lost and officially halfway to my (first?) goal.

That statement is a little bananas to me. This isn’t my first weight loss rodeo (full story coming to an online magazine near you… I hope 🙂 ), but it’s the first time I’ve ever lost this much weight. It’s also the first time the program feels maintainable, although I certainly am not perfect.

Like sometimes you go to a house party with friends, and realize that you have no clue how much you can (or can’t) drink in a body that’s lighter and free from eating carbohydrates. Sometimes you get a little too happy and exclaim to your friend, CARBS ARE SOOOOO GOOD and stop by Taco Bell on the way home like it is the cure for what ails you. And that night, it is the cure for what ails you! I mean, sometimes that happens… not to name specifics.

I love these $10 Target sunglasses more than many people

But mostly, eating this way has been folded into my every day life. By now, I have a rolodex of recipes that I enjoy and are fairly easy to make. When I’m bored, I’ll cruise Pinterest for more ideas. Some flop (cauliflower potato salad I’m looking at you) and some are fantastic (keto mug cakes… cauliflower crust pizza… congratulations! you made it into the rotation).

I try not to despair about my inevitable shortcomings, because the only way to maintain something like this is to allow yourself to “fail” once and a while. And really, is a night of fun with your friends with a side dose of tacos really a failure? Not to me, although my hangover the next day might argue.

The best side effect of all of this is feeling like I fit into the world more comfortably again. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about why that is. Part of me thinks the pressures of society to be thin and take up as little space as possible are just crushing. Why do we force people, especially women, to neatly fit into a little corner? I mean, just think about “man spreading” versus how women, especially Southern women in cotillion classes like I was, are taught to sit. Knees together, ankles crossed by the floor. Hands in your lap. What does that say to young girls?

But the other side of my new found comfort in my own skin is simply starting to match on the outside how I’ve felt on the inside. I have complicated body dysmorphia. On one hand, I have always thought I was huge. It started when I was about eight years old, a time when I was fit and tiny without a stomach roll to be found anywhere.

On the other hand, the past few years I was always surprised to see a picture of myself. Surprised by how big my body actually was. At my heaviest, I would often bump into things because I believed I was physically smaller than my actual size.

Through this new lifestyle and awareness, I’m trying to be cognizant of how big (or not big) I actually am. To stop to self sabotaging myself with dialogue that I don’t belong somewhere or with someone because of my weight. Because here’s a secret — we all belong, keto diet or not. It’s a long and tricky process to re-train a brain, though. Much harder than losing weight.

I’m enjoying all the perks of my smaller size right now. I cleaned out my closet and got rid of everything too big. I can finally start inching my way into riding breeches that more companies offer. I feel lighter, and stronger, in the saddle. Those aspects about weight loss are pretty intoxicating.

The next half will take much, much longer. The huge gust of water weight loss is already behind me, but also I’m giving myself a little bit more slack here and there. I don’t want to become obsessive about this. I don’t want this to define me or my self confidence.

Since I’ve never lost this much weight before, I have also never kept up with something long term. We are right around the time period where I usually quit, eat whatever I want for weeks (or months) and then shame spiral after. The next thirty days for me are more about keeping with the plan in a healthy, moderate way than they are about weight loss. I need to prove to myself I can keep this up, and not slide back.

31 thoughts on “Halfway

  1. So happy for you! And so proud of you! Weight loss is SO hard, and 25 lb is an incredible accomplishment. You have to have those booze and tacos days sometimes, too 🙂 I am currently in a shame spiral, but your gorgeous pictures are motivating me to get back on track.

    1. Those shame spirals are terrible (believe me, I understand) but there is NEVER any reason to put yourself through that. I used to think such negative thoughts because I thought I deserved it, and sometimes this still happens… but you are always worth whatever it is that makes you happy 🙂

  2. Congratulations!! I’m so close to the 25lbd lost mark myself, 24.6. Same as you this is the most I’ve ever lost and I’ll be damned if I give up now!!

  3. I’m not a small person, never have been. At my most active I was 170ish and a size 12 – 16 depending on manufacturer.

    These days I’m on the plus side of 250. I’m fairly active, but could be a lot more active if I pushed myself a smidge.

    Your blog and the open honesty over the last few years has hit me truer and truer as you go on. I may have originally showed up for the pony stories but the life pieces have kept me reading.

    Congrats on the first of many goals. Here’s hoping each success inspires you to keep going.

    Also, thanks for being someone who admits starting is hard to. I remind myself every day I try I’m closer.

    1. Thank you for the congratulations and support! Weight and size and so many things are just a number, and what’s really important is feeling good about yourself. Getting started is the WORST, but everybody can 🙂 Just all about what’s right for YOU!

  4. Good for you! I’m struggling a little in my head with my weight but am struggling even more to do something about it. So it’s awesome to read your story. I am firmly in the field of not being aware of how big I actually am, and then when I realize it, it’s pretty depressing. Not that I’m THAT big, but when I take my own selfies, I make sure to look slimmer… When someone else takes my photo… well. Hey there giant appendages I didn’t realize I had grown. It’s just surprising I guess.

  5. woooo way to go!! you are KILLIN IT!! you must feel like a million bucks!! (i also love those shades too lol). i love your attitude too about building this out into a sustainable lifestyle. for me, personally, that is absolutely where it’s at. keep it up!! 😀

  6. So happy to hear this. The good feelings that come with weight loss are pretty addicting, it’s just getting there in the first place that’s so difficult. Plus it’s so important to find something you can stand to do long term and that has some balance to it. You look so amazing in that last photo.
    I still struggle with recognizing what size I really am. Some days I feel great and think wow I’m really nice and thin and other days I’m telling my husband I’m fat which I know makes no sense. I struggle with the idea of being seen in a bathing suit. I have worn one exactly once since I lost weight and it was just earlier this year. The mind tells us some crazy things!

  7. You look amazing! So exciting to see those goals come up and get accomplished. I am personally really motivated by buying myself new clothing and the feeling of being in shape, so I rely a lot on those to keep me going. You got this 2nd half! 🙂

    Taco bell sometimes is the cure all – no shame in that!!

  8. Just another blogger throwing out my full support and encouragement for this journey. You’ve got this! You’ve got this so much. You have been through hell and look at you thriving. I thought my divorce would kill me; I expected it to and one year later, mysteriously, I’m alive. Alive and thriving. And that’s what you are, even if you don’t feel it every day, we can read it in your tone and in your actions (moving to CA!)(riding!)(Keto!) and girl, you have SO got this. You’re smart, you know the bad days are there, you know how to keep going in some direction (because in bad days, no way looks forward) so yes, you’ve got this but you are allowed to “not got it” – but you really do got it. 😀

    P.s. THAT DRESS ON YOU IS AMAZEBALLS. You look like $1,000,000,000. To have your height girl, #sojealous.

  9. I LOVE that dress! You look fantastic! Congrats on your hard work.
    Also, I think I have been to this place, can’t remember what it is called, for my sister’s birthday for a spa day. That was also fantastic.

  10. What fantastic pictures! You look stunning, love the bold patterned colors. What really shines through is you look happy and confident. Congratulations on your hard work!!!

  11. I’ve always thought you were beautiful, and have such great taste in makeup, clothes and accessories — maybe because your style is similar to mine — but OMG THESE PICTURES! I love, love LOVE that dress. You look so happy <3

    Congratulations on making it halfway! That is such a huge accomplishment and I am so happy and proud 😀 😀 😀

  12. Congrats, your smile is infectious in thsse photos. Weight loss and body image is weird. The last time I got down to my goal weight, hated where the left over weight was and lack of muscle tone. Made me realize I was happier bigger but in good riding shape.

  13. You look amazing and HAPPY! That’s what is important. Your elephant tattoo still rocks too!

    I dropped 30#’s over the last year. A few pounds a week just went away. Stress was my way of doing it. Lately it has crept it’s way back and I’m not happy about it but also not pissed enough to get off my butt and DO something. When the weather warms up (and the pool too) I will be lifting and swimming every day again. If the numbers are going to be up there, I can rock it at that weight. No shame. I wouldn’t worry about a ‘cheat day’ now and then. Everything in moderation….

  14. Your elephant tattoo and dress look great together! I am so glad that you are doing so well. I agree that those photos are gorgeous.

  15. You look so happy!! And that elephant tattoo is still one of my most favorite tattoos I’ve ever seen – gorgeous.

  16. I am SO impressed with your determination and all the work you’re doing on yourself, seriously. You look stunning (esp. in that dress!) but the interior reckoning is fantastic, too. I’ve gotten more fit lately and it sure does make a different in riding and life in general!

    Reading about your diet, I just realized I’ve had practically nothing to eat today EXCEPT carbs (been a bit down) so I need to fix a keto dish for dinner!

    As always, thank you for sharing your journey with us. You’re a great inspiration in many ways.

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