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Category: Loss

Eighteen Months

Eighteen Months

In a week I’ll turn 32. This time last year, I just wanted my 30th year to be over. I figured no matter what, 31 would be better than 30… and it has been better. Now I apprehensively approach my birthday, and I can’t help thinking that I feel old these days. There is so much behind me at this point, and even more hiding in the blurry future beyond my peripheral. When Tim first died, I thought time would bring…

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Thanks

Thanks

I spent the majority of my work day yesterday (don’t tell my boss!) responding to comments via email. There were so many sincere, thoughtful and amazing offers of help and support that I didn’t think a “Thanks!” comment left in response on the blog was enough. I’m still not done sending my replies, but am getting there. After work I went home to let the dogs out. I didn’t feel like riding, but pushed myself out to the barn anyway….

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Dog Mountain

Dog Mountain

There are few perfect places on earth. I’ve had a lot of perfect moments in my life, sometimes in places exotic and beautiful and sometimes not. Standing on Charles’ Bridge in Prague for the first time in my life, when I was eighteen and idealistic and didn’t know enough to know I was untroubled, was a perfect moment. Driving to the beach at 3am with my friends home from college, and splashing in the ocean with frigid white foam spraying…

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Mourning

Mourning

I have greatly underestimated two things in my time on this planet: how truly devastating grief can be and how much people hate Hillary Clinton. Last weekend I went to Vermont. I kept pretty quiet about it to many, but the real reason for that trip was to spread the last of Tim’s ashes mixed with BT’s in a place that was special to us there. I may blog about that, and I may not. While my trip was also filled with…

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Buck & Emma

Buck & Emma

Last night I cried over a sea otter. I have cried over dog rescue videos, countless horse movies and of course my own pets – but sea otters are a new one. In July of 2006, Tim and I took our first trip together to New Orleans. He grew up in Hattiesburg, Mississippi which is a small town less than two hours from the Big Easy. Even though Tim’s roots were in Mississippi versus Lousiana, he would tell strangers he…

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38

38

I didn’t cry about Tim’s birthday until I thought about carrot cake. I was driving to Japanese class and thinking about carving pumpkins with my friends after, an event I pulled together so I wouldn’t be sitting at home alone. Building a mental checklist about what I needed to buy at the store, I thought about carrot cake. Tim loved carrot cake. I hate it, because I hate cream cheese icing. I hate it, but I made it or bought…

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The Not-Anniversary Anniversary

The Not-Anniversary Anniversary

I wasn’t going to write about my anniversary yesterday. Last year when everything was fresher, I had dreaded that day and what I should do with it. This year since so much more time has passed, I figured it was just another day. When I woke up Monday morning, I mentally passed the celebration away from my wedding and back towards my friend who’s birthday is the same day. She was in my wedding, and we all joked that I threw…

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Suddenly Single In Your 30’s Club

Suddenly Single In Your 30’s Club

We all know what happened to me, it blows. Lately some people in my social group g have been admitted into the “Didn’t Expect I Would Be Single In My 30’s WTF Will I Do With My Life Now Please Pass the Wine” club, though they joined through divorce versus death. Now even though I do not suggest anyone out there become a widow (I rate this experience 0 out of 5 stars), I’ve said from day one that I would…

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Unrecognizable

Unrecognizable

I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. This has been a general theme with me since legitimately everything in my life is different from a year and a half ago (only exception is my job), but my Facebook feed notified me this morning that it was a year ago that I had to let my sweet little BT dog go. Re-reading that post this morning, I thought about my life a year ago. I was living in an apartment shuffling…

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The Darkness in Dreaming

The Darkness in Dreaming

It’s been a while since I’ve had strange dreams about my late husband. For months they came in clusters that I couldn’t control. I hadn’t thought much about those past dreams until I re-read the blog post I just linked, and the content of those dreams is so much darker than I remembered. It’s painful for me to read it now almost a year after publication. I can’t imagine how ya’ll felt reading it back then. For the most part the…

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Fourteen Months

Fourteen Months

I thought after the one year post that I would stop writing these kind of updates. Grief seemed like something I could wrap up with a neat bow – one year of feelings summed up eloquently with words and then set away in a little box. Of course the truth is a lot more complicated. Life is messy. Relationships, with both the living and the dead, doubly so. This summer has been a rough one for me. Some causes were…

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Independence Days

Independence Days

The Fourth of July has become a weird holiday for me. Last year I was still so numb with grief that the day blipped by in a haze. My friend Stephanye, the first of team LetsMakeSureLaurenDoesn’tKillHerself stayed with me through the long weekend. She was bubbly and happy and everything I needed her to be while we sipped cider and watched the fireworks explode over a lake, but I don’t remember feeling anything. The first month after Tim died was a time…

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