I have been pushing and pushing towards the blank slate feeling that comes with this time of year. I wanted the events of my 2015 to be like a bad nightmare. In the dawn, I’d wake up from the dream. At first I’d be groggy and still in that place where you can’t tell horror from reality, but eventually I’d rub my eyes and begin to see the morning light. The mental scars from my dream would still be there, but they’d be more shadow than anything else. I’d be able to stretch my arms and move forward into my day.
Now we’re all standing solidly in a new year, and I can’t say that I feel any different. There’s a lot going on in my head right now that I’m processing. Soon I’ll write about some of it, but today I wanted to mostly play catch up.
There’s not a lot of young widow self help out there, but what I have read warns you to not make any big decisions in the first year. I’m six months in, and have completely thrown that out the window. In the last 30 days I’ve sold a house and bought one. I’m hopefully closing this week, so you can expect to read exciting topics in the future like, “Painting With Margaritas” and “I Got Drunk and Bought Furniture Online… Again.”
Simon has been mostly hanging out. The weather hasn’t been super cooperative, but the rides I do have are pleasant. Right now we’re coasting in this space where I don’t really have ambitious show goals of any kind, but have been spending some money with my vet and trainer trying to smooth out some rough spots. Before my holiday trip, I was doing a little jump school and asked him for lead changes as I normally would. The first few lines he blew me off entirely, not even changing the front, so I got pissed. On the second go around, I held him very straight to the outside and then pony kicked him hard for the change. Wouldn’t you know it, but he changed completely clean… with a little extra flair. Horse abuse kids – it gets results! (Note: We all should know I’m being sarcastic here)
The holidays were incredibly hard for me, but I knew they would be. All I’ll say on that subject right now is that I have such incredible people in my life. People who were originally “Tim’s” friends were such an incredible comfort to me when I was in NC. I feel so fortunate to know them and be welcomed into their circle, even without the person who originally brought us all together. Plus I have an excellent support group myself, which includes blog readers and internet friends. Even though I felt like I barely kept my head above water at times during the holidays, I knew there was an entire village ready to throw me a lifeboat if I needed one.
All in all, I’m taking a machine gun approach to 2016. I have a lot of emptiness to fill, and have decided to do that through a variety of new adventures and challenges. In between all of these things, I’ll be blogging again. In the forty hours of driving I had in the car over the holidays, I thought about this blog and what I want it to be now. I’m still figuring that out, but I know there are more words to be written. Soon enough I’ll know how.